New 'Oodles O'Scratchcards' scratchcard realistic about where winnings will go

A NEW scratchcard has dropped images of yachts and palm trees in favour of what winners will actually spend their money on.

Student pulls all-nighter to figure out why he chose English degree

A THIRD-YEAR student has pulled an all-night session to finally work out what he thought an English Literature degree would be good for.

How to be a jolly good dad, by Boris Johnson

HELLO, Britain. Boris here. You’ve probably heard that I’m about to become a father. Well, being a good dad is a lot like running the country. Here’s how I do it.

Boris-Carrie wedding to be Harry and Meghan done right

THE Downing Street wedding is to be a better, less ungrateful do-over of 2018’s upsetting Royal wedding, Conservatives have confirmed.

No return to the 70s, says man who bought house for £20,000 in 1973

A MAN has warned against any return to the decade from which he benefited enormously.

Parents 'lose six years of their lives getting everyone in the f**king car'

PARENTS waste six years of their lives getting their children into the f**king car, research has confirmed.

Six deeply odd things that were normal if you were an 80s kid

MIDDLE-AGED? Do you sometimes notice that life is less weird than when you were growing up? What happened to these things?

Toddler in therapy after suffering from sock lumps

A TODDLER became so distressed about lumps in the socks she was expected to wear that she is in therapy.

Man attempts playdate and f**ks it up

A MAN attempting to host a playdate without being aware of its highly complex social nuances has predictably f**ked it right up.

Anything can be a gun, discovers six-year-old

A MIDDLE-CLASS six-year-old not allowed toy weapons has discovered that anything can be a gun if you point it and make the noises.

Half an iPhone, and five other things women can almost fit in their pockets

ON occasion women’s clothing comes with pockets, and some of them are real. Here’s six things they can store.

Knowing all the Doctor Whos in order will get you 70 points instantly, immigrants told

BRITAIN will only admit migrants who can name all of the actors who played Doctor Who in the correct order, the government has announced.