London a really f**king crowded ghost town

THE city of London is a horrendously overcrowded ghost town, residents have confirmed.

The schoolkids' guide to using coronavirus to take the absolute piss

SICK of school already? Fancy a skive? The coronavirus guidelines are your best friend. Here’s how to turn a pandemic to your advantage.

Six months whinging about homeschool and you taught them f**k all

IT’S all we’ve heard since March. Homeschool, how hard homeschool is, balancing work and homeschool, etcetera. So how surprised I was to find your kids have learned absolutely f**k all.

Children warned when mummy picks them up from school she will be pissed

THE nation’s mothers have told their children that mummy might need a little bit of help with walking straight when she comes to get them from school.

Cyclists acting like they own the bike lane

CYCLISTS riding in the bike lane are acting as if it is a special space they are entitled to, it has emerged.

That was your f**king summer

The UK has collectively realised that it is August bank holiday and that miserable three months just past was its f**king summer.

Birmingham accent no longer works as birth control after Peaky Blinders

THE Brummie accent is no longer a viable means of preventing pregnancy following the success of the BBC show Peaky Blinders.

Five new bullshit controversies to keep Britain furious

THE Rule Britannia Proms controversy has made Britons angry and fearful, but sadly can’t go on forever. Let’s obsess about these next.

Homeless to be fined £20 million for sleeping in doorways because what f**king difference does it make?

HOMELESS people on the South Coast are to be given large fines for vagrancy because whether it is £20 or £20 million makes bugger all difference.

The idiot's guide to naming your children

THIS year’s most popular baby names have been released with the usual strange choices like Kylo. Here’s how to curse your child with a daft name you think is great.

The gammon's guide to 'cultural vandalism'

LIVID because woke millennials have pointed out your favourite National Trust property has links to slavery? Here’s how to rebrand your fury as opposition to ‘cultural vandalism’.

The arsehole parent's back-to-school guide

ARE you a bloodyminded parent who loves a good row with your local school? Make the most of your little ones going back with these tips.