Man drives 30 miles out of his way to pay 5p less for petrol

A DRIVER with an eye for a bargain made a 30-mile detour to fill his tank at a petrol station with fractionally cheaper prices.

The British person's guide to perpetual victimhood

ARE you convinced your life in a fairly average part of Britain is a waking nightmare? Here’s how to get the most out of your imaginary victimhood.

Adorable Brummie thinks he's going to be a yuppie

A BIRMINGHAM man has amused his family and friends by telling them he will use HS2 to get a well-paid job in London.

Search for end of Sellotape enters second day

THE search for the end of a roll of Sellotape has entered its 25th hour.

Man takes half an hour to turn off his car alarm

A MAN has taken 30 minutes to shut off his deafening car alarm.

Five made-up crises to be angry about now immigration is over

BRITAIN’S fictional immigration crisis is at an end thanks to Brexit, so what will Middle Englanders raise their blood pressure about now?

Woman gains superpower of invisibility by going out without make-up

A WOMAN has gained the incredible superpower of invisibility by going out with her hair scraped back and without any make-up.

Which font should you use for a racist letter to your neighbours?

WRITING a racist note for your neighbours’ door? Without the right font, nobody will take your unjustifiable prejudices and unlikely threats seriously.

New mum jealous of her partner's commute

THE mother of a two-month-old baby has admitted she is jealous of her partner’s two-and-a-half hour daily commute.

Villagers buy local pub then knock it down for a Tesco Metro

A RURAL village has formed a co-operative to purchase their local pub then demolish it and open something useful.

How to pretend you're a good listener while thinking about something else

DO YOU want people to think you’re understanding and sensitive even though you tuned out during the first sentence?

Teenager wears hammer and sickle badge to let everyone know he's an idiot

AN 18-YEAR-OLD student wears a hammer and sickle badge on his backpack to make sure everyone knows he is a complete idiot.