Society

How to be a pathetic, terrified Little Englander

DO you lead a comfortable suburban life in the UK, but fear and hate the outside world for no good reason? Here’s how to enjoy pretending to be oppressed.

Middle class parents preparing to be outraged about GCSEs whatever happens

A MIDDLE class couple have confirmed they will be up in arms about their son’s GCSE results today whether they seem fair or not.

Rough f**kers and posh wankers ready to unite in fury over GCSEs

ROUGH bastard parents and posh twat parents are preparing to join in aggrieved fury about the government ballsing up GCSEs.

Student who only took General Studies sure it will open a lot of doors

AN A-level student who chose not to take any course except General Studies is confident he has a bright future.

Seven universities to avoid in clearing, by former students

IF you got bad estimated A-level grades because house prices are low in your postcode or whatever, you’re going through clearing. But first heed the words of these alumni.

Swotty git who took mocks seriously feeling smug as f**k

A STUDENT who bothered to revise for his mock exams is feeling unbearably pleased with himself as he waits to find out his A-level results.

The middle aged person's guide to lying about your teenage years

AS A-level results come out, you may be tempted to reminisce about your own teenage years. Here’s how to pretend you weren’t a terminally awkward nerd.

A-level results based on how nice your parents' detached house is

TODAY’S A-level results have been calculated using factors such as whether students’ parents own a big house, shop at Waitrose and have lots of books.

Teachers are the real bastards, says government

BRITAIN’S biggest problem is not coronavirus or Brexit but the bastards who educate small children, the government has confirmed.

A-level student can't wait to find out what his teacher guessed his grades were

AN A-LEVEL student has admitted he is on tenterhooks to find out what his teachers took a wild guess at his results being.

'Who here likes wasps?' asks wasp

A WASP has entered a living room in the confident expectation that everyone there will be really pleased to see it.

Man finds going to pub too pleasant now

A MAN is disappointed by the post-lockdown pub experience as it appears to involve nothing more than having a quiet drink with friends at a table.