Society

Nurses to get pay rise if they become firemen too

NURSES will get a six per cent pay rise on the condition that they also do the job of the Fire Service, the government has announced.

Zuckerberg closes Facebook and opens shadowy emporium catering to your heart's deepest desires

MARK Zuckerberg has closed down Facebook and opened a creepy little shop that has exactly what you most desire.

Dad gives shit advice on homework

A DAD has helpfully given his son all the wrong answers to his homework.

Self-righteous Facebook refusers feeling even more pleased with themselves than usual

SELF-RIGHTEOUS Facebook refusers are really loving this current data hoo-ha, it has been confirmed.

Dog in coffee shop wishes he was at the pub 

A DOG allowed into a trendy coffee shop would much rather be in a carpeted pub listening to workmen’s dirty anecdotes, it has emerged.  

Expectant father choosing pram like he's going to be taking it off-road

A FATHER-TO-BE is choosing a baby buggy as if he is planning to take it on a six-day endurance marathon through the Cairngorms. 

Momentum member thinks he's in the resistance or something

A MAN who has been leafleting for Labour campaign group Momentum is convinced he’s going to ‘dismantle the system from the inside’.

Years of tedious bollocks definitely what we voted for, say Brexiters

BREXITERS love intricate trade negotiations and definitely did not vote in a mindless patriotic frenzy, they have confirmed.