Last week of homeschool even more bullshit than last week of real school

CHILDREN have confirmed that the final week of homeschool before summer is even more bollocks than the final week of proper school.

Ignorance really is bliss, halfwits confirm

IDIOTS are in universal agreement that not knowing anything is indeed the secret to eternal happiness.

Just give us a f**king voucher, teachers plead as end of term approaches

TEACHERS say they do not want presents chosen by parents but would prefer a voucher so they can get something they actually like.

Man slightly too far away to hold the door for

A MAN is not quite close enough to hold the door open for, it has been confirmed.

Six predictions of how lockdown would change everything that were total bollocks

BACK in April, everyone and his wife opined about how lockdown would change Britain forever according to their tastes. But it was bollocks. Here are some examples.

Couple buying £500k house really need that 15 grand from Rishi Sunak

A COUPLE about to spend half a million pounds on a house say life would be impossible without their gift of £15,000 from Rishi Sunak. 

The working-class guide to middle-class people

YOU’VE been forced to interact with one of the middle-classes. But who are they? What do they want? Was that thing they said meant to be funny?

West Country tells visitors to f**k off in case they're witches

RESIDENTS of the West Country are living in fear of holidaymakers in case they are witches who will turn them into toads.

Five guaranteed ways to be a twat in a park

BRITAIN’S most exciting new post-lockdown hobby is being a twat in a park. Here’s how to ignore social distancing, intimidate people and generally play the arsehole.

Your guide to the government's horrible, overpriced new-build homes

BORIS Johnson has promised to ‘build build build’ more affordable homes, which are bound to be tiny new flats you still can’t afford. Here’s what property developers have in mind.

Last mum to correct her children's Americanisms gives up

THE last British mum who dutifully corrects her children’s Americanisms has finally given up.

The new rules for school which children will unfailingly obey because that's what kids are like

THE government has outlined its new half-arsed rules for reopening schools which are impossible to follow and will be ignored. But what are they?