How to be a twat about your regional identity

ARE you fiercely proud of your regional identity even though it’s totally arbitrary and extremely tedious? Here’s how to be a twat about it.

Gran who won’t say 'bloody' in favour of mass deportations

A PENSIONER who cannot bring herself to say even the mildest swear words has no problem with rounding people up and deporting them.

The squaddie's guide to things you pretty obviously shouldn't be doing

ARE you in the army but sometimes feel you’re doing things that might be considered ‘wrong’ or ‘mental’? Here are some activities to avoid.

Man consults Screwfix catalogue as if it were the I Ching

A MAN uses the Screwfix catalogue to find reliable shelf brackets and answers to the great mysteries of life, it has emerged.

Man thinks of most stupid thing possible and realises it will be government's next move

A MAN who came up with the most idiotic possible way out of the Brexit crisis has realised it will without doubt be what the government does next. 

MPs to choose between customs union, second referendum and how the f**k did you get to the end of this sentence?

MPs will today hold a second series of indicative votes on Brexit and hello? Are you still there?

Child uses time on naughty step to plot devastating revenge

A CHILD who has been put on the naughty step to think about what he has done is instead planning how to destroy his parents utterly.

Thanks for bringing me breakfast in bed, now f**k off, says mum

A MUM whose family brought her breakfast in bed for Mother's Day would quite like them all to fuck off and leave her to eat it in peace.

Odd f**ker takes three-seater sofa to himself in packed cafe

AN odd-looking fucker has commandeered an entire four-seater table for himself in an absolutely rammed café.

Woman caught singing at traffic lights now has to see song through

A WOMAN spotted singing heartily along to music in her car now has no option but to complete the song, she has confirmed.

The mums' guide to fighting at the school gates

HAVING a fight while doing the school run is an increasingly popular pastime with mums looking to establish dominance and keep healthy.

Nanny ‘like one of the family’ except she’s paid to be there and can’t tell anyone to f**k off

A MIDDLE class family who adore their nanny have not noticed they are paying her and that she is the only ‘family member’ who never loses their shit.