SQUADS of arse-kickers are to be deployed to ensure the under-25s bother to vote.
A WOMAN who just ate a whole box of children's cereal is currently considering buying a house.
A MAD man has confirmed he plans on staying out past midnight at some point this week.
EVEN Jesus Christ judges people who buy chocolate-free advent calendars, it has been confirmed.
A CHILD of liberal parents has been coached to write a Santa letter focusing on environmental and social justice issues over presents.
WE'VE seen you many times. A*sing about vaguely on the pavement near a cashpoint machine, all of a sudden wondering why people are glowering at you.
A MAN born in December has been labelled a “selfish a*sehole” by friends, who are forced to celebrate his birthday at the busiest time of year.
ACCORDING to Stanley Johnson, most Britons lack the literacy to spell ‘Pinocchio’. Do you mangle the English language and earn the prime minister’s dad’s contempt?
A DAD putting his toddler to sleep then fell unconscious with a book on his lap for 72 hours, he has admitted.
BORIS Johnson has warned commuters who have to turn tricks to pay for their tickets that there will be more strikes under Labour.
A 42-YEAR-OLD man is raising his son to become a proper twat.
CHILDREN have confirmed that when Granny and Grandad come over to babysit only Granny actually does any work.