A MAN has taken 30 minutes to shut off his deafening car alarm.
BRITAIN’S fictional immigration crisis is at an end thanks to Brexit, so what will Middle Englanders raise their blood pressure about now?
A WOMAN has gained the incredible superpower of invisibility by going out with her hair scraped back and without any make-up.
WRITING a racist note for your neighbours’ door? Without the right font, nobody will take your unjustifiable prejudices and unlikely threats seriously.
THE mother of a two-month-old baby has admitted she is jealous of her partner’s two-and-a-half hour daily commute.
A RURAL village has formed a co-operative to purchase their local pub then demolish it and open something useful.
DO YOU want people to think you’re understanding and sensitive even though you tuned out during the first sentence?
AN 18-YEAR-OLD student wears a hammer and sickle badge on his backpack to make sure everyone knows he is a complete idiot.
A MAN is still calling socially alert things ‘woke’ as if it’s an insult, it has emerged.
A BOYFRIEND is preparing his partner for disappointment this Valentine’s Day, it has been confirmed.
BRITAIN has agreed that January can f*ck right off.
A SINGLE pint of lager has been deemed full compensation for eight hours of hard manual labour helping a friend move.