Stop being friendly to each other you weird bastards, South orders North

THE South has ordered the North to stop being all weird and friendly and in and out of each other's houses, supposedly because of coronavirus. 

'Lively contributor' = 'Never shuts the f**k up': your guide to school report euphemisms

TEACHERS are no longer allowed to tell you your child is stupid. Here’s how to read between the lines of their end-of-term report:

The eight things you need to be a beach bastard

WANT to not only spend your day on the beach but to ruin everyone else’s? Bring these items on your six trips to the car.

How to rebuild your social skills after months of video calls

AS the world returns to semi-normality, the invitations are flooding in. But can you handle it after months of Zoom? Here’s how to deal with real life interactions:


A MAN whose opinions are expressed in all caps on WhatsApp, Facebook and MailOnline comments also takes a megaphone to the pub.

Whole dinner table forced to speak at level of single sodding toddler present

A TABLE of adults have been forced to spend an entire meal conversing at the level of the three-year-old who is sharing their dinner.

Man loses three friends to local outbreak of conspiracy theories

A MIDDLE-AGED man has lost three friends to a localised outbreak of conspiracy theories.

Seven things that were so much f**king simpler in the 1970s

THERE were strikes and shortages and scandals, but you know what there wasn’t in the 1970s? Bloody complications.

The gammon's guide to flying in the age of Covid-19

WORRIED about traveling with Covid-19 still knocking around? Follow puce-faced bellend Norman Steele’s tips to make flying a nightmare for all.

Six unbelievably trivial things you cared about six months ago

IT’S fair to say 2020 has given us all a bit of perspective. Which is probably for the best, because back in January you gave a shit about these things.

Parents given lavish end-of-term gifts by teachers

PARENTS have been given end-of-term gifts of wine and chocolates by teachers to show their gratitude for parents having done their jobs for free since March.

Man who claims his freedom of speech is under threat never shuts the f**k up

A MAN claiming freedom of speech is as risk from censorious leftists spends 18 hours a day vomiting his opinions all over social media.