Young people to have arses kicked all the way to polling stations

SQUADS of arse-kickers are to be deployed to ensure the under-25s bother to vote.

Woman eating whole box of Frosties thinking of buying a house

A WOMAN who just ate a whole box of children's cereal is currently considering buying a house.

F*cking lunatic wants to stay out past midnight

A MAD man has confirmed he plans on staying out past midnight at some point this week.

Even Jesus judgey about advent calendars without chocolate

EVEN Jesus Christ judges people who buy chocolate-free advent calendars, it has been confirmed.

Guardian readers' child made to write socially aware letter to Santa

A CHILD of liberal parents has been coached to write a Santa letter focusing on environmental and social justice issues over presents.

Are you in the queue for the f*cking cashpoint or not?

WE'VE seen you many times. A*sing about vaguely on the pavement near a cashpoint machine, all of a sudden wondering why people are glowering at you.

Selfish a*sehole has December birthday

A MAN born in December has been labelled a “selfish a*sehole” by friends, who are forced to celebrate his birthday at the busiest time of year.

Are you an illiterate twat?

ACCORDING to Stanley Johnson, most Britons lack the literacy to spell ‘Pinocchio’. Do you mangle the English language and earn the prime minister’s dad’s contempt?

Dad putting toddler to bed wakes up three days later

A DAD putting his toddler to sleep then fell unconscious with a book on his lap for 72 hours, he has admitted.

More rail strikes under Labour, Johnson warns commuters selling sex to buy tickets

BORIS Johnson has warned commuters who have to turn tricks to pay for their tickets that there will be more strikes under Labour.

Father raising son to be a massive twat

A 42-YEAR-OLD man is raising his son to become a proper twat.

Only grandma does anything when grandparents babysit

CHILDREN have confirmed that when Granny and Grandad come over to babysit only Granny actually does any work.