Middle-class child told he can be anything his parents want

A MIDDLE-CLASS boy has been told he can grow up to be whatever he wants to be, as long as it earns at least six figures.

Ludicrous medieval pantomime 'may explain UK's problems'

THE unbelievably ridiculous state opening of Parliament may offer a clue as to why the UK has problems, experts have claimed.

Queen to crowbar cannabis legalisation into speech

THE Queen is to announce the legalisation of cannabis, against the government's wishes.

Militant vegans dispersed with gentle gust of air

MILITANT vegans blockading the meat aisles of a supermarket have been scattered by a delicate but deliberate draught of air.

Public calls for 'wankers only' train carriages

TRAIN passengers have called for services to include a dedicated wanker carriage where wankers can go about their business in peace.

Successfully opening stuck jar better than sex

OPENING a jar that nobody else has been able to open is better than achieving orgasm through intercourse.

Woman who doesn't have enough bullshit in her life thinking about joining Twitter

A WOMAN who does not currently have angry, weird arguments with  strangers is thinking about joining Twitter.

Painfully slow barista wants you to know they control your life

A COFFEE shop barista taking an inordinate amount of time to froth your latte wants you to know that for these two minutes, she owns you.

Idiot joins in with wife's criticism of her best friend

AN absolute bloody idiot has joined in his wife’s tirade against her best friend.

When's this shit getting automated? ask mothers

MOTHERS have confirmed they are sick of waiting for artificial intelligence to automate all the tedious, repetitive shit they have to do.

Synchronised dance at wedding hints at nightmare to come

A SYNCHRONISED dance at the beginning of a wedding reception has foreshadowed the hellish nightmare to come.

Builder claims catcalling women on street is his 'private life'

A BUILDER has followed Boris Johnson’s example by defending sexually harassing women in public as part of his private life.