A MIDDLE-CLASS boy has been told he can grow up to be whatever he wants to be, as long as it earns at least six figures.
THE unbelievably ridiculous state opening of Parliament may offer a clue as to why the UK has problems, experts have claimed.
THE Queen is to announce the legalisation of cannabis, against the government's wishes.
MILITANT vegans blockading the meat aisles of a supermarket have been scattered by a delicate but deliberate draught of air.
TRAIN passengers have called for services to include a dedicated wanker carriage where wankers can go about their business in peace.
OPENING a jar that nobody else has been able to open is better than achieving orgasm through intercourse.
A WOMAN who does not currently have angry, weird arguments with strangers is thinking about joining Twitter.
A COFFEE shop barista taking an inordinate amount of time to froth your latte wants you to know that for these two minutes, she owns you.
AN absolute bloody idiot has joined in his wife’s tirade against her best friend.
MOTHERS have confirmed they are sick of waiting for artificial intelligence to automate all the tedious, repetitive shit they have to do.
A SYNCHRONISED dance at the beginning of a wedding reception has foreshadowed the hellish nightmare to come.
A BUILDER has followed Boris Johnson’s example by defending sexually harassing women in public as part of his private life.