Society

Widower Leaves Fortune To Pert, Young Watermelon

A 75 year-old widower from Suffolk is believed to be the first man in the UK to leave his entire estate to a watermelon.

Unemployed To Be Used For Soup

THE long-term unemployed are to be boiled down and used for soup, ministers confirmed last night.

Government Releases Danish Crime Figures

MINISTERS were yesterday forced to withdraw a new report which showed crime falling across the country, after realising it was Danish.

Fat Guy Made Excellent Firedoor, Say Colleagues

A FIREFIGHTER sacked for being overweight is a key member of the team and makes an outstanding firedoor, his colleagues said last night.

Brown To Flood Streets With 100,000 Crazed Thugs

GORDON Brown is to tackle violent crime by identifying the country's worst families and forcing them to live on the streets.

Knife Carriers To Be Shown Round Spoon Factories

YOUNG people who carry knives are to be sent on a series of educational outings, taking in hospitals, Madame Tussauds and a spoon factory.

Liverpool Celebrates Day Beatles Pissed Off To Surrey

LIVERPOOL yesterday marked the anniversary of the last full day the Beatles spent in the city before buying huge houses in Surrey. 

Teenage Girl 'Obviously Having Affair With Bat'

A TEENAGE girl who claimed she found a bat in her 34FF bra is actually having an affair with the flying mammal, friends revealed last night. 

'Nazi Toddlers Ruined My Birthday'

A THREE year-old boy last night revealed how a gang of extreme right wing toddlers ruined his birthday party with violence and racial taunts.

Shakespeare Study To Teach Kids New Words For Cock

PRIMARY school children as young as five are to study the works of Shakespeare as part of a government initiative to teach them hundreds of 17th century slang words for penis. 

Women Bishops To Fill Cathedrals With Knick-Knacks And Pot Pourri

FEMALE clerics have vowed to fill England's great churches with stupid little knick-knacks and bowls of pot pourri as soon as they become bishops.

Churches Urged To Ban Noisy Little Shits

CHURCHES should be given the right to remove noisy little shits the very second they open their mouths, campaigners said last night.