Cocaine 'Better Value Than Ever'

AS prices drop to just £2 per line, cocaine has topped a consumer poll as Britain's best-value street drug.

Vicars will back gay marriage 'if they can read out the bit about killing them'

CHURCH of England vicars will bless gay couples as long as they are allowed to quote Bible passages about them being abominations who must be put to death.

PS3 Owners Seek Urgent News From Asgharoth

NETWORK problems with the PS3 console have left thousands of level three wizard-knights desperately seeking news from the sacred sky lands of Asgharoth.

Marriage not as good as 'Predator', say men

MARRYING a woman who shares your hopes and dreams is still nowhere near as good as Predator, according to a new survey.

Horrible Dragon Threatens Council Worker Fantasy Land

A LARGE, terrifying dragon is threatening the magical kingdom of massive pensions where no-one ever gets fired.

Cbeebies Defends Pole Dancer Of The Year Show

THE BBC last night defended a new series that hopes to find the best new under 14 pole dancer in Britain.

Immigrant Fury Over Daily Mail Salaries

IMMIGRANT workers have demanded government action after discovering Daily Mail journalists are receiving large salaries for the things they write.

British Library To Archive

BRITAIN'S internet heritage could be lost forever unless experts are able to archive websites such as hotsurreybitches and

'Racist' T-Shirt Could Cause Morons To Say Stuff

A SCOTTISH t-shirt expressing dislike of the England football team could cause morons to say things, experts have warned.

Royals 'Ready To Return To Home Planet'

THE Royal Family are preparing to return to their home planet near Sirius, according to the Queen's astronomer.

Twitter Filled With People Being Wrong About Jan Moir Again

JUST four months after thousands of people were wrong about Jan Moir, the social network Twitter was today filled with them being wrong again.

Edmonds' Wife Questioned Over Absence Of Mercy Killing

NOEL Edmonds' wife was being questioned by police last night over why she has failed to smother him in his sleep.