MILLIONS of people across Britain last night vowed to give up food instead of alcohol, after the government forced them to choose.
SCHOOL leavers will be forced to swear allegiance to some stinking old cow even though they have never even met her or nothing.
PUBLIC lavatories across Britain are to replaced with three bedroom cottages in a bid to make furtive cock action safer and more comfortable.
BRITAIN'S controversial 24-hour violence laws have been an unqualified success, the government said last night.
THE Polish vacuum cleaner whose boyfriend was caught having sex with a Henry Hoover has spoken of her shame and disgust at his gay love antics.
THE number of women getting above themselves has risen from 'all right love keep you hair on' to 'God, is it that time of the month already?', a new study reveals.
MORE than 90% of British children are unbearable little shits, according to new research.
BROWN people who want to become British citizens will have to complete an army assault course and prove they can juggle, the home secretary announced last night.
A RURAL vicar who littered an order of service with gratuitous swearing and foul-mouthed insults has said he would do it again.
BRITAIN'S housewives would earn the equivalent of £30,000 a year if someone paid them to eat Jaffa Cakes all day, according to new research.
THE amount of money you would need to spend on gifts to get sex on Valentine's Day after you stayed out last Saturday night without explanation is so huge there is no point in you even bothering, your angry girlfriend said last night.
CAMPAIGNERS are calling for a ban on a hi-tech, ultra-sonic device which causes teenagers' heads to explode.