Society

Johnson Bans Scotsmen From The Tube

BORIS Johnson is to ban Scotsmen from the London Underground in a bid to make the Tube more bearable for everyone else.

Fat Guys Told To Put Their Tits Away

FAT men are being urged not to bare their breasts in public this summer, as it emerged they were not attractive to women after all. 

Puppies!

THESE puppies are absolutely adorable, it was confirmed last night.

Everyone Now Has Great Hair

EVERYONE'S hair is now shiny, manageable and full of body, the United Nations has confirmed.

Office Workers Told To Stop Shitting On Each Other’s Keyboards

WORKERS in offices have been ordered to stop defecating on each other’s computer keyboards. 

Masochists Welcome Kinky Porn Crackdown

THE editor of Masochism Today has welcomed a government crackdown on kinky porn and demanded that a cheese grater be dragged across his testicles for breaching the new regulations.

Teenage Lives Complete As Grand Theft Auto Fills Gap Between Bouts Of Frenzied Masturbation

TEENAGE boys across Britain are celebrating after discovering a successful method of marking time between energetic masturbation sessions.

'Get Your Bumcheeks Out Of My Face'

MINI-SKIRTS have risen to record levels making it virtually impossible for men to travel on escalators without being exposed to women's buttocks, a new study reveals. 

Baldy bastards told to stop being so bald about everything

BALDY bastards were last night told to shut up and stop being so bald about everything.

Birmingham Is Ghastly, Says Travel Writer Who’s Been There

THE city of Birmingham and its inhabitants are so ugly they make your eyes boil, a travel writer who has actually been there said last night.

Britain's Poor People Now Beyond The Pale

BRITAIN'S poor people have plumbed new depths of sheer, unbridled ghastliness, according to a new report.

Exotic Japanese Girlfriend Wants Vauxhall Zafira

AROUND 63% of exotic Japanese girlfriends wear old socks in bed and insist their boyfriends buy a Vauxhall Zafira or Ford Focus C-Max, new research shows.