Billy Bragg, Warn Economists

WITH unemployment expected to reach three million by the end of next year, economists were last night warning of Billy Bragg.

Mogadishu Top City For Tosspot Travel Writers

MOGADISHU has been named the world's hottest destination by a panel of tosspot travel writers.

Northerners Terrified Of Toilet Paper, Says Study

PEOPLE in the north of England refuse to use to toilet paper believing it will steal their soul, according to new research.

Ninety-Nine Percent Have Fuck All Anyway

MILLIONS of Britons last night realised the collapse of the banking system meant nothing to them as they have no money anyway.

Government To Ban Free Sex

MINISTERS last night unveiled plans to ban women from getting all drunk and randy.

Schools Told To Watch Out For Exploding Five Year-Olds

TEACHERS across the country were last night told to be on the look out for exploding five year-olds.

Teachers To Be Given List Of 16 Year-Olds They Can Hump

TEACHERS are to be given a list of all the teenagers they can legally have sex with, it emerged last night.

Vicars To Have 'Full Of Shit' Stamped On Forehead

CHURCH of England vicars are to have the phrase 'full of shit' stamped on their foreheads, it was confirmed last night.

Met Chief Regrets Not Shooting Johnson In The Face

SIR Ian Blair last night admitted he should have shot London mayor Boris Johnson in the face when he had the chance.

More Choice For Couples To Pretend They Believe In God

THE Church of England is to offer couples greater choice on where they can lie about believing in God.

Englishman crosses Channel using nothing but car ferry

A BRITISH man yesterday successfully crossed the English Channel using nothing but a car ferry.

Will Britain Be Ruled By A Voodoo King?

THE government is to introduce legislation that will leave Britain in the clutches of voodoo, it was claimed last night.