THE amount of money you would need to spend on gifts to get sex on Valentine's Day after you stayed out last Saturday night without explanation is so huge there is no point in you even bothering, your angry girlfriend said last night.
CAMPAIGNERS are calling for a ban on a hi-tech, ultra-sonic device which causes teenagers' heads to explode.
RECORD numbers of women are having lunch on petrol station forecourts after filling up their cars with fuel, new research reveals.
PUBS and offices across Britain are bracing themselves for thousands of tortuous conversations about the return of blue Smarties.
THE Church of England was under temporary management last night after the Archbishop of Canterbury lost his mind during an interview with the BBC.
POLICE officers are good at hitting people in the mouth with truncheons but should leave catching criminals to the kids from Scooby Doo, a top policeman said last night.
IMMIGRANTS should avoid acting like British people and behave like Scandinavians instead, according to new government advice packs for foreigners.
AN advert featuring a grown woman in a short skirt has been banned by Britain's masturbation fantasy regulator.
PEOPLE in their forties are a bunch of whingeing shits who should count their blessings, according to new research.
HOME secretary Jacqui Smith last night insisted the government was making Britain a safer place after another big fall in spoon-related crime.
BRITAIN loves having orgasms and is currently enjoying the most intense and sustained feelings of genital pleasure since records began.
MILLIONS of demented British pensioners are to be released from their cages thanks to a new electronic tagging device.