Muslim Women 'Must Dress Like Top Gear Presenters'

BRITISH Muslim women should trade their Burkas for the jeans, blazers and incongruous hair favoured by the hosts of Top Gear, it was claimed last night.

Retirement Plan Welcomed By Demented, Half-Blind 84 Year-Old Heart Surgeon

BRITAIN'S craziest, half-blind, octogenarian heart surgeon was looking forward to returning to work last night after the government abolished retirement.

24-Hour Drinking Would Have Worked If Britain Wasn't Dreadful, Say Experts

BRITAIN'S experiment with 24-hour drinking would have succeeded if the country was not filled to the brim with the worst people in the world, it was claimed last night.

Women should be hot, slutty secretaries with massive boobs, says equalities minister

FIFTIES-STYLE sexpots with dirty laughs and enormous bangers are ideal role models for young women, according to the government's equalities minister.

Arseholes Who Think They're Good At Driving Celebrate Speed Camera Victory

GOVERNMENT plans to scrap speed cameras were last night welcomed by middle-aged men who believe themselves to be excellent drivers.

GCSE Science To Include Terrorism

THE GCSE science syllabus is to include ideological indoctrination and extremist violence, Ofsted has confirmed.

Flying Donkey Stunt 'Not Cruel Enough' For Children

A STUNT involving a terrified parachuting donkey left children disappointed by the lack of death, it emerged last night.

Drug Anecdotes To Be Criminalised

SHARING interminable, exaggerated anecdotes about drug experiences should be a criminal offence, it was claimed last night.