£270k Headteacher Rubbing His Doctor's Nose In It

THE primary school headteacher on £270,000 a year is devoting much of his spare time to rubbing his doctor's nose right in it.

Elite Skank Academies 'Must Admit More Working Class Sluts'

PRIVATE skank academies are under pressure to admit more budding footballer semen receptacles from low-income families.

Moat Killed By Cabal Of Secret Tory Billionaires

RAOUL Moat was executed on behalf of a group of Tory billionaire businessmen whose names you will never know, it was claimed last night.

Houses Go Bad

HOUSES, for so long the friends of mankind, have finally turned against their masters, according to the latest property market survey.

Oglers To Stop Denying It

MEN who surreptitiously leer at attractive women must 'come out', it was claimed last night.

Any Chance You Could Do Kay Burley? Rothbury Asks Armed Police

RESIDENTS in Rothbury have asked armed police if one of them has a minute to take down Sky's Kay Burley.

Millions Of Britons Now Living On Less Money Than They Would Ideally Prefer

A RECORD number of UK families can't afford to buy all the shit they want, it emerged last night.

Government Unveils School App

THOUSANDS of schools across Britain are to be replaced with an iPhone app costing just 99p.