Everyone's Gran To Die On Wednesday Morning

MILLIONS of grandmothers across England are expected to pass away some time tomorrow morning, it has been confirmed.

Festival-Goers Warned Over Non-Corporate Sponsored Drugs

AS the summer festival season gets under way, organisers have warned against using ecstasy, cocaine and skunk that does not carry the logo of an official sponsor.

Police Can't Stand Another Minute Of Birmingham

WEST Midlands Police have withdrawn a CCTV scheme after admitting they can no longer just sit there, staring at Birmingham.

You're On Your Own, Say Guide Dogs

BLIND people across Britain were bumping into things today after thousands of guide dogs deserted their posts.

Cameron Praises Britain's Gay Subcultures

THE prime minister has praised Britain's homosexual subcultures as 'the best in the world'.

Karen Matthews Breeding 'Unforeseeable', Say Social Services

NOBODY could have reasonably predicted that somebody would want to have sex with Karen Matthews, according to a new report.

More People Bringing Vuvuzelas To The Office

THE World Cup has seen a sharp rise in the number of people bringing their vuvuzelas to work with them.

Hard-Up Public Sector Pensioners 'Will Sing U2 Songs In Tube Stations'

A CUT in public sector pensions will lead to lots of decrepit leftists singing U2 songs in tube stations to make ends meet, it was warned last night.