Fat People To Be Squeezed Into Camps

FAT people should be squeezed into specially designed camps so that children will not have to look at them, it was claimed last night.

Working Immigrants Branded Lazy By Daily Mail

WORKING immigrants have been branded as 'scandalously self-sufficient' after £10bn in benefits went unclaimed last year.

Facebook Prisoner Goes On Virtual Murder Spree

A PSYCHOTIC convict has killed a dozen people on the social networking website Facebook by sending them a message saying 'Rob has just murdered you'.


Police 'Not Letting You Have A Go Of Their Tasers'

SENIOR police officers last night said there was no way you were getting a go of their tasers despite new data showing they are even more fun than previously believed.


Charles Gets More Talking Shit Money

PRINCE Charles received £3m in talking shit money last year, according to latest accounts.

I'll Leave Britain For A Million Pounds, Says Everyone

IF the government wants to spend £1m getting one family to leave Britain then it should start with the people who have lived here the longest, it was claimed last night.

Huge Expansion In Rail-Based Misery

TRAIN operators are calling for hundreds of miles of disused line to be reopened, insisting no-one should be be allowed to evade the abject misery of local rail travel.

Torture Cops 'Are Just Mavericks Who Don't Play By The Book'

THE policemen accused of torturing drug suspects are loose cannons who may not play by the book but they get results godammit, it was claimed last night.

Teenage Yobs Carrying Flick-Toddlers

TEENAGE yobs have developed a deadly 'flick-toddler' in a bid to avoid prosecution, police warned last night.

Susan Boyle Going According To Plan, Says Cowell

FREAK-wrangler Simon Cowell has urged people across Britain not to worry about Susan Boyle, insisting everything was going according to plan.

Nuclear Holocaust Could Knock 30% Off House Prices

A GLOBAL nuclear war followed by a new dark age of terror and despair could further depress the UK housing market, according to the Halifax.

Empty Trains Much More Efficient, Says Network Rail

THE punctuality of Britain's rail system is directly related to the number of people out of work and not getting the train anymore, it has been confirmed.