School Bans Ugly Children

A VILLAGE primary school has saved Valentine's Day by giving its ugliest pupils the day off.

Traditional Burglary A Dying Art, Say Thieves

THE heart-warming sight of an old-fashioned burglar smashing a toilet window could soon be swept away by a rising tide of joyless online fraud, according to some of Britain's leading thieves.

Church Plans Supergay Parade Float

THE Archbishop of Canterbury has underlined the Church of England's support for tolerance and diversity with plans for a 'supergay' parade float.

Ali Dizaei: Where He Went Wrong

SHAMED police chief Ali Dizaei's attempt to frame an innocent man was littered with 'schoolboy errors', his former colleagues said last night.

46 Year-Old Man Sells Virginity In Local Freesheet

A QUIET, middle-aged science fiction and traction engine enthusiast has advertised his virginity for £6 or nearest offer.

Mobile Phones Now Cleverer Than Teenagers

MOST mobile phones are now more intelligent than their teenage owners, it emerged last night.

Cab Drivers Install Signs Confirming They Speak Racist

TAXI drivers in Southampton have installed signs reassuring passengers they speak nasty, ill-informed horseshit.

Men Starting To Find Each Other's Breasts Alluring

GROWING numbers of men are finding male chest cleavage sexually appealing, according to new research.