Large breasted women get it all their own way again

WOMEN with huge bazongas were last night getting it all their own way, yet again.  

Government's 'Banned List' Makes Everything All Better

THE government's decision to ban some foreign people with unpleasant views has made everyone incredibly nice, it was confirmed today.

Government To Monitor One Trillion Cock Pill Emails

THE government has outlined plans to monitor all of Britain's email traffic, covering everything from penis enlargement to Lindsey Lohan straddling a Labrador.

Smith Cracks Down On Council Spies Before They Catch Her Doing Something Dodgy

HOME secretary Jacqui Smith has pledged to crack down on council spies to prevent them from catching her doing something appalling.

Official: Your Life Is Worthless

YOUR identity, your achievements and everything that is you is now worth less than a bag of funsize Mars Bars, according to a new report.

Police To Target The Hippies With Video Cameras

POLICE officers on crowd control duty have been ordered to give priority beatings to anyone holding a video camera.

All Adverts Must Be Filled With Lies, Says Watchdog

ALL advertising must be filled with blatant, insulting lies from start to finish, the industry watchdog has ruled.

Teachers Can Get 10% Pay Rise When Children Are 10% Less Stupid And Awful, Says Everyone

TEACHERS should be entitled to a 10% pay rise when the children they teach become 10% less moronic and unbearable, according to a new survey.

Jesus Would Have Had An Isa, Claims Archbishop

JESUS was a fiscal conservative who favoured low-yield bonds and secure tax-free investment vehicles, the Archbishop of Canterbury has claimed.

Police Blunder Reveals Secret Plan To Beat You Senseless

ONE of Britain's most senior police officers has resigned after accidentally revealing a secret plan to beat the hell out of you.

Lah-Di-Dah Public Schoolboys Not So Fancy All Of A Sudden

LAH-DI-DAH ponces who talk all proper are about to find out what life is like in the real world now their fancy school has shut down, it was claimed last night.

Primary Schools To Admit Chickens

EDUCATION secretary Ed Balls has called on primary schools to allocate places to baby chickens in a bid to improve results.