Society

Leave It To The Scooby Doo Gang, Says Top Cop

POLICE officers are good at hitting people in the mouth with truncheons but should leave catching criminals to the kids from Scooby Doo, a top policeman said last night. 

For Christ's Sake Don't Behave Like British People, Immigrants Told

IMMIGRANTS should avoid acting like British people and behave like Scandinavians instead, according to new government advice packs for foreigners. 

Ryanair Ad Banned By Offwrist

AN advert featuring a grown woman in a short skirt has been banned by Britain's masturbation fantasy regulator.

Forty-Somethings A Bunch Of Whining Shits, Says Report

PEOPLE in their forties are a bunch of whingeing shits who should count their blessings, according to new research.

Home Office Hails Sharp Drop In Spoon Crime

HOME secretary Jacqui Smith last night insisted the government was making Britain a safer place after another big fall in spoon-related crime. 

Britain Loves Orgasms

BRITAIN loves having orgasms and is currently enjoying the most intense and sustained feelings of genital pleasure since records began. 

Campaigners Welcome Plan For Free-Range Pensioners

MILLIONS of demented British pensioners are to be released from their cages thanks to a new electronic tagging device.

All Secrets To Be Written Down And Dumped In A Skip

THE innermost personal secrets of everyone in Britain are to be written down and then thrown into a big skip, the government said last night.

Cock Ban Looms

A BLANKET ban on cocks has been proposed as part of the government's crackdown on fucking.

People over 30 are grown-ups, say experts

PEOPLE in their 30s and 40s are adults who are able to decide things for themselves, according to a new academic report.

Drivers Who Shoot At People From Behind The Wheel Could Face Jail

CARELESS drivers who take potshots at fellow motorists while trying to change gear could face up to three months in prison.