Men Forced To Talk About Stuff

THE postponement of football matches across Britain could force men to have conversations about actual things, experts warned last night.

One in six children unable to swear

ONE in six children under the age of three are unable to say 'fuck' 'piss' or 'shit', according to new research.

Stupid People Still Allowed To Name Children

IDIOTS producing smaller idiots will continue to be allowed to name them, it has been confirmed.

Lonely people reminded they don't have to spend Christmas with Liz Jones

A CHARITY campaign for people spending Christmas alone has reminded them they could be with Liz Jones instead.

Why Can't Britain Learn How Not To Go Outside?

AS the latest cold snap brought Britain to a standstill, anger was growing over the country's inability to just say 'fuck this' and watch loads of DVDs.

TV Audiences Now Inversely Proportional To Things Worth Watching

TELEVISION audiences in the UK are increasing as the proportion of programmes that are functionally unwatchable hurtles towards 100%, according to a new study.

Is It Ethical To Burgle A House If It Belongs To Ben Fogle?

BEN Fogle has foiled an attempted burglary at his home, re-igniting the debate over what you can and cannot do to the TV presenter.

Chief Medical Officer Talking Shit Again

SIR Liam Donaldson, England's chief medical officer, was last night talking shit again.