Three Year-Olds To Sue Each Other Over Juice And Poo-Poos

A FLOOD of juice and poo-based legal cases was predicted last night as Britain's three year-olds attempt to ruin each other in court.

Cougars Not As Good As They Sound

AS numbers of older women seeking young male flesh spiral, boys are being warned that they are nothing like the ones on the internet

Massive Drink Benders 'Should Be Better Organised'

ENORMOUS 1p-a-pint student drink bender clubs should be less haphazard affairs, a judge has warned.

North West Panic As Magic Lantern Goes Out

THE latest stage of the digital TV switch over caused havoc in the North West yesterday as terrified viewers feared the death of the 'Unblinking Eye' that sits in the corner of their living room.

Jesus Was All Man, Say Protesters

PROTESTERS outside a play depicting Jesus as a transsexual, last night insisted the Son of God was a six foot four, rugby-playing, sexual dynamo.

Oiks Terrified

BRITAIN'S oiks were last night on the brink of surrender.

Teenage Boys Assure Surgery-Fixated Girls That They Would Totally Do Them

AS statistics reveal 50% of teenage girls want cosmetic surgery, a collective of teenage boys has said they'd happily finger them just as they are.

Griffin Could Make Our Electricity Racist, Claims Sellafield

BNP lunatic Nick Griffin has been banned from the Sellafield nuclear plant amid fears he could make Britain's electricity all racist and homophobic.