Everyone Making Everything Worse, All The Time

EVERYONE needs to shut it right now because they are making everything worse, according to a new report.

Everyone To Fuck-Up Their House

HOUSES across Britain will be fucked beyond repair this weekend as millions embark on their own horrendously ill-condsidered DIY extension.

Britain To Welcome Belly Dancing Hovercraft Pilots

BRITAIN has thrown open its doors to the next generation of belly dancing hovercraft pilots who know how to train a horse.

Coldplay link to unbearable arseholes

FANS of Coldplay are more likely to display the personality traits of unbearable, self-satisfied arseholes, according to new research.

BBC Spends £10 Million Watching Shit In Other Countries

BBC executives have spent more than £10m travelling the world looking for awful television programmes to copy, it has been discolsed.

Commitment Phobia Link To Lack Of Blow Jobs

A MAN'S reluctance to get married is linked to his fear of a lack of oral sex, new research shows.

Can I Have A Car As Well? Ask First-Time Buyers

FIRST-time buyers across Britain are hoping the government can see its way clear to stumping up for a motor as well.

Recesssion Will Turn Britain Into 'Bunch Of Arseholes'

THE economic downturn will lead to a sharp rise in people being arseholes, according to a leaked Home Office letter.

Supermarkets 'Selling Things People Want To Buy'

BRITAIN'S supermarkets were last night accused of stocking the products their customers want to buy.

Children Outnumbered By Daily Mail Reading Fucknuts

CHILDREN in the UK are now outnumbered by ageing psychopaths who devour every word of the Daily Mail, new figures reveal.

Evil Mastermind Offers Millions For Home Office Memory Stick

AN evil mastermind has offered £2 million for the missing memory stick containing the details of thousands of Britain's finest criminals.

Britain Shit Again

THE temporary euphoria of Britain's Olympic success came to an abrupt halt this morning as millions of commuters remembered what an unmitigated shithole this country really is.