EVERYONE needs to shut it right now because they are making everything worse, according to a new report.
HOUSES across Britain will be fucked beyond repair this weekend as millions embark on their own horrendously ill-condsidered DIY extension.
BRITAIN has thrown open its doors to the next generation of belly dancing hovercraft pilots who know how to train a horse.
FANS of Coldplay are more likely to display the personality traits of unbearable, self-satisfied arseholes, according to new research.
BBC executives have spent more than £10m travelling the world looking for awful television programmes to copy, it has been discolsed.
A MAN'S reluctance to get married is linked to his fear of a lack of oral sex, new research shows.
FIRST-time buyers across Britain are hoping the government can see its way clear to stumping up for a motor as well.
THE economic downturn will lead to a sharp rise in people being arseholes, according to a leaked Home Office letter.
BRITAIN'S supermarkets were last night accused of stocking the products their customers want to buy.
CHILDREN in the UK are now outnumbered by ageing psychopaths who devour every word of the Daily Mail, new figures reveal.
AN evil mastermind has offered £2 million for the missing memory stick containing the details of thousands of Britain's finest criminals.
THE temporary euphoria of Britain's Olympic success came to an abrupt halt this morning as millions of commuters remembered what an unmitigated shithole this country really is.