EVERYONE in Britain has been given three weeks to move house and then redo the bathroom as part of the government's plan to boost the ailing economy.
'LADS' magazines are filled with images that, for some reason, are not attractive in the slightest, a senior Tory MP said today.
AN advert suggesting teachers can engage in playful banter with friendly children has been banned by the advertising watchdog.
BRITAIN was last night pinning its hopes on the next generation of fraudsters, after the latest failure to con a large financial institution with a fake death scam.
A 75 year-old widower from Suffolk is believed to be the first man in the UK to leave his entire estate to a watermelon.
THE long-term unemployed are to be boiled down and used for soup, ministers confirmed last night.
MINISTERS were yesterday forced to withdraw a new report which showed crime falling across the country, after realising it was Danish.
A FIREFIGHTER sacked for being overweight is a key member of the team and makes an outstanding firedoor, his colleagues said last night.
GORDON Brown is to tackle violent crime by identifying the country's worst families and forcing them to live on the streets.
YOUNG people who carry knives are to be sent on a series of educational outings, taking in hospitals, Madame Tussauds and a spoon factory.
LIVERPOOL yesterday marked the anniversary of the last full day the Beatles spent in the city before buying huge houses in Surrey.
A TEENAGE girl who claimed she found a bat in her 34FF bra is actually having an affair with the flying mammal, friends revealed last night.