PRIMARY school children as young as five are to study the works of Shakespeare as part of a government initiative to teach them hundreds of 17th century slang words for penis.
FEMALE clerics have vowed to fill England's great churches with stupid little knick-knacks and bowls of pot pourri as soon as they become bishops.
CHURCHES should be given the right to remove noisy little shits the very second they open their mouths, campaigners said last night.
BRITAIN'S long-awaited bloody revolution will begin at noon today, after MPs voted to keep their £24,000 second home allowance.
THE Rubik's Cube is making a comeback this year as thousands of British children adapt it into a handy killing machine.
BRITAIN is an awful place full of violence and corruption, and those responsible should be ashamed of themselves, the wife of former prime minister Tony Blair said yesterday.
POSITIVE discrimination is the only way to help women achieve success in the workplace, some jumped-up cow said yesterday.
FORMER Primark child workers were last night back at work in the backstreet brothels of Calcutta after being rescued from a life of t-shirt embroidery by Western campaigners.
DOG owners who allow their pets to foul in public areas will be forced to wear a brown star and be banned from marrying non-dog owners.
RETAIL sales rose to record levels last month as consumers spent millions of pounds on money saving devices.
CRIME is awful and criminals are ghastly, the government said last night.
THE brains of gay men and straight women are very similar, particularly their love of cocks, experts said last night.