Society

Government To Examine Everyone’s Stools

EVERYONE will have to defecate into a bucket and present their stools for examination under government plans for a database of every bowel movement in Britain. 

We Just Want Closure, Says Family Of Murdered Coconut

THE family of a murdered coconut last night urged the police to do everything in their power to catch their son's killer.

Girly Crime Up By 50%

GIRLY crime was up by more than 50% last year, including a sharp rise in thefts of those darling little Mini Cooper convertibles.

Government To Give Your Neighbour's House To Junkies

THE government is to use your money to buy your neighbour's house and give it to a gang of junkies, the prime minister announced yesterday.

Sex And The City 'Totally Empowering', Says Manky Slapper

SEX and the City is totally empowering and totally feminist – but in a good way, fans of the show said last night.

Robbie Orders Britain: Strip Down To Your Undies

BRITIAN will arrive at work this morning dressed in nothing but its underpants, following the latest decree from Robbie Williams.

Government To Reclassify Very Strong Tea

STRONG tea is to be reclassified as a category B drug, home secretary Jacqui Smith announced last night.

Johnson Bans Scotsmen From The Tube

BORIS Johnson is to ban Scotsmen from the London Underground in a bid to make the Tube more bearable for everyone else.

Fat Guys Told To Put Their Tits Away

FAT men are being urged not to bare their breasts in public this summer, as it emerged they were not attractive to women after all. 

Puppies!

THESE puppies are absolutely adorable, it was confirmed last night.

Everyone Now Has Great Hair

EVERYONE'S hair is now shiny, manageable and full of body, the United Nations has confirmed.

Office Workers Told To Stop Shitting On Each Other’s Keyboards

WORKERS in offices have been ordered to stop defecating on each other’s computer keyboards.