Police Looking Forward To ‘summer Of Truncheons’

POLICE forces across the UK are looking forward to cracking dozens of middle class skulls this summer, a senior officer said yesterday.

Satan Makes Room For Parents Who Complained About Disabled TV Presenter

PARENTS who complained about a one-armed childrens' TV presenter will have their own very special corner of Hell, Satan confirmed last night.

Sunny Delight Loses Taste Test To Indian Cow Piss Drink

SUNNY Delight, the orange substance, has been defeated in a blind tasting against a new Indian soft drink made from cow urine.

Voodoo Parents Object To Juju Assemblies

A SCHOOL headteacher has resigned after voodoo parents demanded the right to withdraw their children from assemblies that included juju.

Britain Urged To Find New Reserves Of Spunk

AS the country faces a fresh wave of Arctic blizzards, Britain is being urged to tap into its massive spunk reserves.


More Coldplay, Warns Ofsted

CUTS in school music budgets could lead to a cataclysmic surge in Coldplay, Ofsted has warned.


Al Jolson To Be Exhumed And Slapped About A Bit

THE corpse of legendary entertainer Al Jolson is to be exhumed and given a right good slap, it emerged last night.


Angry Parents Forced To Spend Six Hours Tobogganing

PARENTS reacted angrily yesterday after it was revealed they had been forced to spend all day with their children for no reason.


Millions Of Snowbound Workers About To Discover Jeremy Kyle

SNOWBOUND workers across Britain are today expected to encounter the Jeremy Kyle Show for the very first time.

Under 15s 'Should Not Be Allowed To Fly Planes'

CHILDREN under the age of 15 should never be allowed to fly a passenger jet, not even for five minutes, according to the chief medical officer.

Grandparents Advised To Gay It Up A Bit

ELDERLY couples who are hoping to adopt their grandchildren are being advised to gay it up a bit.


Police Remain Institutionally Stupid

DESPITE a decade of extra investment and training Britain's police remain institutionally stupid, according to a major new report.