POLICE forces across the UK are looking forward to cracking dozens of middle class skulls this summer, a senior officer said yesterday.
PARENTS who complained about a one-armed childrens' TV presenter will have their own very special corner of Hell, Satan confirmed last night.
SUNNY Delight, the orange substance, has been defeated in a blind tasting against a new Indian soft drink made from cow urine.
A SCHOOL headteacher has resigned after voodoo parents demanded the right to withdraw their children from assemblies that included juju.
AS the country faces a fresh wave of Arctic blizzards, Britain is being urged to tap into its massive spunk reserves.
CUTS in school music budgets could lead to a cataclysmic surge in Coldplay, Ofsted has warned.
THE corpse of legendary entertainer Al Jolson is to be exhumed and given a right good slap, it emerged last night.
PARENTS reacted angrily yesterday after it was revealed they had been forced to spend all day with their children for no reason.
SNOWBOUND workers across Britain are today expected to encounter the Jeremy Kyle Show for the very first time.
CHILDREN under the age of 15 should never be allowed to fly a passenger jet, not even for five minutes, according to the chief medical officer.
ELDERLY couples who are hoping to adopt their grandchildren are being advised to gay it up a bit.
DESPITE a decade of extra investment and training Britain's police remain institutionally stupid, according to a major new report.