Are you in the top five per cent of wankers?

DEBATE has been raging over what it means to be in the top five per cent of earners, but could you also be in the top five per cent of w*nkers?

Father's friend doesn't deserve 'uncle' status

A 38-YEAR-OLD father of two has confirmed that one of his closest friends does not deserve the status of 'uncle'.

Getting out of bed against all natural instincts

BRITONS must currently overcome 43 separate instincts in order to leave their beds, it has emerged.

Neighbour 'totally fine' with collecting your Amazon delivery

A NEIGHBOUR has confirmed that it is 'totally fine' and he is in no way annoyed about collecting your Amazon deliveries.

Woman struck with amnesia immediately after being given directions

A WOMAN has a mysterious mental condition that causes her to forget directions immediately after being given them.

Which absolute twats are going to sit near you on a train?

FOR some reason, boarding a train means you instantly become a magnet for twats. Here are some of the worst offenders.

Man furious about tax asked if he'd like to do his own heart bypass

A MAN who gets furious about the idea of paying slightly more tax has been told he can perform his own heart operations and tarmac some roads.

Man who quit masturbating for three days acting like he's Jesus

A MAN who has abstained from masturbation for 72 hours is acting as if he is the saviour of all mankind.

A letter of complaint to my child's school after her science project I spent weeks on didn't win a prize

I write to complain that my daughter Ellie’s recent science project, which I put a lot of effort into, has received no recognition whatsoever.

Taxi driver not even pretending to focus on driving

A TAXI driver is no longer even keeping up the pretence that he is concentrating on driving two tons of car and is busy doing other things.

Mum gets minute to hear herself think and is hugely disappointed

A MOTHER-OF-TWO who had a rare moment of peace and quiet has been staggered by how inane her thoughts are.

Baby's 'quirky personality' consists of crying and sh*tting

A BABY'S habit of crying and defecating constantly are part of his 'quirky personality', it has been confirmed.