Britain Shit Again

THE temporary euphoria of Britain's Olympic success came to an abrupt halt this morning as millions of commuters remembered what an unmitigated shithole this country really is.

Tyneside Council Opens £5m Cock Park

TYNEMOUTH council last night unveiled a new £5m park in its bid to become the European capital of giant, cock-based graffiti. 

New Dictionary Reflects Britain’s Love Affair With Sexual Deviancy

TERMS including 'frogging', 'donkey handbag' and 'eine Mosley schaften' have all been included in the new Chambers English Dictionary.

North Ghastly

THE north of England is just so horrid and ghastly, according to a new report by some people who work in central London.

Invisibility Cloak Promises New Era In Frottage

THE invention of an invisibility cloak was last night welcomed by those perverts who rub up against you on the train until they go off.

Government Orders Everyone To Move House

EVERYONE in Britain has been given three weeks to move house and then redo the bathroom as part of the government's plan to boost the ailing economy.

Why Am I Not Impressed By These Naked Ladies? Asks Top Tory

'LADS' magazines are filled with images that, for some reason, are not attractive in the slightest, a senior Tory MP said today.

Teacher Ad Banned For Claiming There Would Be Banter

AN advert suggesting teachers can engage in playful banter with friendly children has been banned by the advertising watchdog.