Vicars To Have 'Full Of Shit' Stamped On Forehead

CHURCH of England vicars are to have the phrase 'full of shit' stamped on their foreheads, it was confirmed last night.

Met Chief Regrets Not Shooting Johnson In The Face

SIR Ian Blair last night admitted he should have shot London mayor Boris Johnson in the face when he had the chance.

More Choice For Couples To Pretend They Believe In God

THE Church of England is to offer couples greater choice on where they can lie about believing in God.

Englishman crosses Channel using nothing but car ferry

A BRITISH man yesterday successfully crossed the English Channel using nothing but a car ferry.

Will Britain Be Ruled By A Voodoo King?

THE government is to introduce legislation that will leave Britain in the clutches of voodoo, it was claimed last night.

Catholic School To Fight All Cancers Above The Waist

A ROMAN Catholic high school will allow its pupils to receive inoculations against all types of cancer that do not involve their dirty, filthy private parts.

Whatever The Question, The Answer Is Broccoli

BROCCOLI is now the answer to any question you care to throw at it, according to new research.

Fuck That, Say New Men

NEW men last night said fuck this for game of soldiers and ordered their wives to make the bloody tea.