Invisibility Cloak Promises New Era In Frottage

THE invention of an invisibility cloak was last night welcomed by those perverts who rub up against you on the train until they go off.

Government Orders Everyone To Move House

EVERYONE in Britain has been given three weeks to move house and then redo the bathroom as part of the government's plan to boost the ailing economy.

Why Am I Not Impressed By These Naked Ladies? Asks Top Tory

'LADS' magazines are filled with images that, for some reason, are not attractive in the slightest, a senior Tory MP said today.

Teacher Ad Banned For Claiming There Would Be Banter

AN advert suggesting teachers can engage in playful banter with friendly children has been banned by the advertising watchdog.

Britain Looks To Next Generation Of Insurance Fraudsters

BRITAIN was last night pinning its hopes on the next generation of fraudsters, after the latest failure to con a large financial institution with a fake death scam.

Widower Leaves Fortune To Pert, Young Watermelon

A 75 year-old widower from Suffolk is believed to be the first man in the UK to leave his entire estate to a watermelon.

Unemployed To Be Used For Soup

THE long-term unemployed are to be boiled down and used for soup, ministers confirmed last night.

Government Releases Danish Crime Figures

MINISTERS were yesterday forced to withdraw a new report which showed crime falling across the country, after realising it was Danish.