A guide to swearing for secondary school pupils

SEVEN long weeks ago, you began big school for the first time. Since then your fragile 11-year-old ears have been exposed to a smorgasbord of swearing. Join in:

How to avoid being guilt-tripped into attending a protest

EVERYONE you know is furiously tweeting about attending a protest, but you want to watch telly. Here’s how not to get blown off-course by snivelling do-gooders.

Playground bully now runs mindfulness courses

A MAN who stole your lunch money in year four by threatening to beat you up now teaches businesses how to be more mindful.

Your guide to getting a friend who overshares to shut the f**k up

HAVE you got a friend who gives you ‘too much information’ about everything from medical problems to their sex life? Read our guide to making them stop.

Most London flats actually worth £2,000

THE sane value of the vast majority of London flats is roughly £2,000, it has emerged.

Middle-class child told he can be anything his parents want

A MIDDLE-CLASS boy has been told he can grow up to be whatever he wants to be, as long as it earns at least six figures.

Ludicrous medieval pantomime 'may explain UK's problems'

THE unbelievably ridiculous state opening of Parliament may offer a clue as to why the UK has problems, experts have claimed.

Queen to crowbar cannabis legalisation into speech

THE Queen is to announce the legalisation of cannabis, against the government's wishes.

Militant vegans dispersed with gentle gust of air

MILITANT vegans blockading the meat aisles of a supermarket have been scattered by a delicate but deliberate draught of air.

Public calls for 'wankers only' train carriages

TRAIN passengers have called for services to include a dedicated wanker carriage where wankers can go about their business in peace.

Successfully opening stuck jar better than sex

OPENING a jar that nobody else has been able to open is better than achieving orgasm through intercourse.

Woman who doesn't have enough bullshit in her life thinking about joining Twitter

A WOMAN who does not currently have angry, weird arguments with  strangers is thinking about joining Twitter.