Society

How to be a tw*t on public transport during the hot weather

ARE you an antisocial public transport user? If so, summer provides some excellent opportunities to antagonise people. Here are some ideas.

White bloke with dreadlocks turns out to be the hard kind

A WHITE man with dreadlocks assumed to be the trust-fund type was instead the hard dog-on-a-rope kind, a shaken man has confirmed.

Moron thinks everything is an 'ad hominem' attack

A MAN who uses the expression ‘ad hominem’ whenever anyone disagrees with him has no idea what it means, it has emerged.

Northerner horrified after DNA results show he is 35 per cent Cotswolds

A PROUD Northerner is wondering how to tell his family after receiving a DNA test showing that a third of his genetic material is from the Cotswolds.

Rough family appear to have moved sofa onto street permanently

A FAMILY who moved their sofa outside their house during last weekend’s hot weather appear to be leaving it there indefinitely.

No one cares what song is stuck in your head, Britons told

NOBODY is remotely interested in hearing about what song you have stuck in your head, experts have confirmed.

'I wouldn't normally do this,' claims woman who always does this

A WOMAN who claims she rarely imposes on others in fact always does, friends and colleagues have confirmed.

The barber's guide to being a pain in the a*se

ARE you a barber? Do you make haircuts as awkward as possible? Here’s a few things to try.

Controversial houseshare advert specifies 'no d*ckheads'

AN advertisement for a fourth person to share a London flat has sparked controversy by asking d*ckheads not to apply.

Should you get a pension or just hold out for the collapse of civilisation?

IS IT worth putting money aside for retirement, or will you spend your twillight years heading for higher ground to escape the floods and hoping to catch an edible leech?

Nostalgic Glastonbury TV viewer wistfully pisses in bottle

A MAN who has become too old to go to Glastonbury is watching the highlights on TV and sadly urinating in a bottle that he intends to hurl at the wall.

Millennials and baby boomers competing to be worst b*stards ever

TODAY’S younger generation and baby boomers are battling to be the bigger pack of cosseted, useless, whiny, awful tw*ts, it has emerged.