Man had forgotten that next four months suck absolute balls

A MAN has just remembered that living in Britain between the beginning of November and the end of February is a total f**king nightmare. 

Train station piano sorry about all the twats

A TRAIN station piano has apologised for all of the performances made by attention-seeking twats.

Man politely asks that you respect his grotesque, idiotic opinions

A 31-year-old man has politely asked that you please respect his crazy, utterly idiotic opinions.

Woman books vague suggestion of possibility of train seat reservation

A WOMAN has booked a train seat reservation online, safe in the knowledge that it is probably meaningless.

Man reports neighbours to police for having much better sex than him

A MAN reported his neighbours to the police after it emerged they were having much better sex than he has ever had.

How to be an idiot about wearing a poppy

DO you want to hijack an act of remembrance for your own purposes, or just be a general idiot about poppies? Here’s how.

Finally the riots, thinks Brexiter hearing fireworks

A BREXITER hearing fireworks going off has mistaken them for the pro-Brexit riots he is expecting to sweep the country.

Builders know you give them your sh*ttiest mugs

BUILDERS and plumbers have confirmed that they know full well they are given the oldest and ugliest mugs for their tea.

UK public transport still nowhere near being envy of anywhere in entire world

PUBLIC transport in the UK is still not the envy of any other place on Earth, research has confirmed.

Twat at front of queue deciding what to order

A TWAT who has reached the front of the queue after 25 minutes has finally started to decide what he wants.

Woman reading self-improvement books becoming much worse person

A WOMAN with a passion for self-improvement books is becoming an increasingly awful person, it has emerged.

Woman moves into loft to avoid family

A WOMAN has converted her loft space to avoid having to live with her family.