New fathers reluctant to spend time with constantly screeching bag of shit

NEW fathers are failing to use their legal entitlement to paternity leave because they do not want to spend all day with a noisy shit fountain, according to new research.

Seven things some weird b*stard is definitely stealing from your house

DO random everyday objects always seem to go missing from your house? Here are seven things some weird b*stard burglar is definitely stealing.

Woman without kids thinks she's tired

A WOMAN with no child-rearing responsibilities believes she is physically exhausted, it has emerged.

How to be offended on behalf of other people

ARE you the sort of self-righteous idiot that likes to be offended on behalf of other people? Here’s how to do it properly.

A guide to swearing for secondary school pupils

SEVEN long weeks ago, you began big school for the first time. Since then your fragile 11-year-old ears have been exposed to a smorgasbord of swearing. Join in:

How to avoid being guilt-tripped into attending a protest

EVERYONE you know is furiously tweeting about attending a protest, but you want to watch telly. Here’s how not to get blown off-course by snivelling do-gooders.

Playground bully now runs mindfulness courses

A MAN who stole your lunch money in year four by threatening to beat you up now teaches businesses how to be more mindful.

Your guide to getting a friend who overshares to shut the f**k up

HAVE you got a friend who gives you ‘too much information’ about everything from medical problems to their sex life? Read our guide to making them stop.

Most London flats actually worth £2,000

THE sane value of the vast majority of London flats is roughly £2,000, it has emerged.

Middle-class child told he can be anything his parents want

A MIDDLE-CLASS boy has been told he can grow up to be whatever he wants to be, as long as it earns at least six figures.

Ludicrous medieval pantomime 'may explain UK's problems'

THE unbelievably ridiculous state opening of Parliament may offer a clue as to why the UK has problems, experts have claimed.

Queen to crowbar cannabis legalisation into speech

THE Queen is to announce the legalisation of cannabis, against the government's wishes.