Pedants literally give up over misuse of 'literally'

BRITAIN’S pedants have conceded defeat over persistent misuse of the word ‘literally’.

Little sod demands entire WHSmith stationery section for new school term

A CHILD has told his parents they have to buy him the whole WHSmith stationery section or he will call social services.

All the A-levels bullsh*t you need in one article

IT’S A-level results time again, so prepare for an onslaught of overexcited teenagers and tedious advice. Or just read this article and save yourself loads of time.

Dads confirm now is perfect time to buy a winter coat

DADS have confirmed that now is the perfect time to buy a winter coat as you would probably get it cheap and the arrival of winter is inevitable.

Man who can’t keep a phone screen intact decides to get a dog

A MAN who cannot keep his phone screen intact for more than a month has decided to get a dog.

Freshers working hard on ridiculous personas

TEENAGERS about to start university are developing absurd new personalities in an attempt to seem interesting.

We’re just so busy, say retired parents

A WOMAN has failed to appreciate how 'busy' her retired parents are.

'Popping round' to be made a criminal offence

THE act of ‘popping round’ unannounced to someone’s house is to be reclassified as a crime with the possibility of a custodial sentence.

Mum suspects adorable two-year-old son will grow up into total w*nker

A MOTHER is increasingly convinced her cute toddler will grow up to be an insufferable tosspot as he reaches manhood.

The Guardian reader's guide to dealing with burglars

IF your house alarm goes off and there’s an intruder, what should you do if you’re a soft-as-sh*te Guardian reader? Read our guide.

Dad arrives at airport 143 hours early

A DAD has arrived for his flight fully prepared and 143 hours early, it has emerged.

Dashcam footage captures BMW driver giving 'thank-you' wave

DASHCAM footage has apparently captured the moment a BMW driver waved ‘thanks’ to a fellow motorist.