Optimist buying Asda Valentine's meal deal and condoms

A MAN buying a Valentines-themed meal deal in Asda is unlikely to get to use the condoms he’s also purchasing.

Woman with immaculately clean house has car like a shit tip

A WOMAN who keeps her house clean and tidy has a car like a dustbin, it has emerged.

Woman finds cystitis is welcome distraction from Brexit

A WOMAN is finding her latest bout of cystitis is a welcome distraction from Brexit.

BMW driver treated for exposure to non-classic rock

A BMW driver has been hospitalised after more than a minute’s exposure to music that was neither classic nor rock. 

Family gives nan a quick call to check she isn't dead

RELATIVES of 84-year-old Mary Fisher have given her a ring just to check she hasn't died or anything.

Prince Philip gives up fighter pilot's licence

PRINCE Philip has given up his fighter pilot’s license at the relatively young age of 97.

Local twats pissed off with other local twats

A GROUP of local twats is pissed off with a different group of twats, it has been confirmed.

Middle class couple annoyed Waitrose doesn't do schools

A COUPLE struggling to find a local school for their son cannot understand why Waitrose does not cater to their needs.

Britain determined to make Keep Calm and Carry On posters necessary

THE UK is determined to make things so desperate that ‘Keep Calm and Carry On’ merchandise is a necessary part of everyday life. 

Man on shitty little scooter incredibly sexually attractive, say women

A TEENAGER has become an object of intense sexual desire since he started riding round his area on an ear-splitting scooter.

Are you enough of a twat to go to university these days?

UNIVERSITY is no longer a chilled-out haven of drug experimentation and skiving your way through a philosophy degree. See if you would fit in nowadays.

Thatcher statue to be fired safely into outer space

A STATUE of Margaret Thatcher is to be sent far beyond our solar system to protect it from vandalism.