Society

No pressure but Freshers' Week must be best week of your life, students told

FIRST-YEAR students have been told to settle in, take things easily and to have the best week of their whole lives or there is something wrong with them.

Missing cat poster whitewashes record of violence and vandalism

A POSTER for a ‘much-loved’ missing cat has omitted its nine-year reign of terror over the rest of the street.

Man about to try and use his friend's shower

A 31-YEAR-OLD man is about to try and fail to use his friend’s puzzling shower system, it has been confirmed.

Vital train announcement made over inaudible speaker

CRUCIAL information about a train’s running status has been delivered over a speaker that nobody can hear or understand.

Man grows handlebar moustache to rule himself out of gene pool

A MAN has grown a twirly handlebar moustache to rule himself out of the gene pool.

Woman describes anyone different to her as being 'on the spectrum'

A WOMAN with no understanding of mental disorders has taken to describing anyone different to her as being ‘on the spectrum’.

Friend running late really was 'only 10 mins away'

A WOMAN has confirmed a friend running late really was only the 10 minutes away that she claimed.

Brexit or Remain: how will Operation Yellowhammer affect you?

THE Operation Yellowhammer no-deal contingency plan will affect Britons differently according to their referendum vote. Here’s how.

Woman has kid just to avoid socialising

A WOMAN has confirmed she only gave birth so that she would no longer have to attend social functions.

Idiots organise child's birthday party for the middle of a Saturday

A CHILD’S birthday party has been organised specifically to f**k up the whole weekend.

Hungover man fights back tears after watching literally anything

A HUNGOVER man is struggling to stop himself from crying at the slightest provocation.

Northerner banished to south for saying London was 'okay'

A NORTHERN man has been exiled to the South of England after telling friends London was ‘not that bad’.