How to be a friend who gives sh*t advice

WOULD you like to be one of those annoying friends who gives terrible advice about situations you don’t understand? Follow this guide.

How to be an offended baby boomer

DO you feel you’re being unfairly attacked for being a baby boomer, despite believing anyone with a grievance is a ‘snowflake’? Here’s what to do.

Driving fast through puddles best thing about being an adult

SPLASHING water everywhere while driving along waterlogged roads is the key to peak happiness in adulthood, a survey has found.

Man had forgotten that next four months suck absolute balls

A MAN has just remembered that living in Britain between the beginning of November and the end of February is a total f**king nightmare. 

Train station piano sorry about all the twats

A TRAIN station piano has apologised for all of the performances made by attention-seeking twats.

Man politely asks that you respect his grotesque, idiotic opinions

A 31-year-old man has politely asked that you please respect his crazy, utterly idiotic opinions.

Woman books vague suggestion of possibility of train seat reservation

A WOMAN has booked a train seat reservation online, safe in the knowledge that it is probably meaningless.

Man reports neighbours to police for having much better sex than him

A MAN reported his neighbours to the police after it emerged they were having much better sex than he has ever had.

How to be an idiot about wearing a poppy

DO you want to hijack an act of remembrance for your own purposes, or just be a general idiot about poppies? Here’s how.

Finally the riots, thinks Brexiter hearing fireworks

A BREXITER hearing fireworks going off has mistaken them for the pro-Brexit riots he is expecting to sweep the country.

Builders know you give them your sh*ttiest mugs

BUILDERS and plumbers have confirmed that they know full well they are given the oldest and ugliest mugs for their tea.

UK public transport still nowhere near being envy of anywhere in entire world

PUBLIC transport in the UK is still not the envy of any other place on Earth, research has confirmed.