Johnny machine in rural pub longing for human contact

A CONDOM machine in a village pub longs for the touch of a human hand, it has confirmed.

'Young people are bad with money' says woman spent £85 on Princess Diana plate

A WOMAN who once spent £85 on a Princess Diana memorial plate from the back of magazine believes that young people are bad with money.

Seven-year-old in shock after seeing teacher in supermarket during holidays

A CHILD has been left traumatised after seeing one of his teachers in the supermarket during the school holidays.

Are you a member of 'the elites'?

‘THE elites’ are criticised for their power and influence by right-wingers everywhere. But could you be a member of this treacherous group of liberals? Read our guide.

Man who claims never to be surprised by anything really getting on everyone's tits

A MAN who says "Is anyone really surprised by this?" in response to every piece of appalling or shocking news is beginning to annoy the f*ck out of people.

The bluff Northerner's guide to ignoring six-foot floods

HARDY Northern folk aren’t scared of a few feet of cold water and collapsing bridges. Here Northerner Roy Hobbs explains how to carry on as normal.

New 'Monopoly: Baby Boomer Edition' has a free house on every square

A NEW limited edition of Monopoly aimed at baby boomers gives them a free house on every square and £3,000 in pension cash whenever they pass Go.

Five life milestones you can blame Brexit for missing

FAILED to achieve something? It can’t be your fault; after all, you voted Remain. It must be Brexit. Here’s how.

'It may be a cruel activity, but at least I look like a tit while doing it' says fox hunter

A FOX hunter has confirmed that, while his preferred sport may be controversial, at least the clothes make him look a right dildo

BMW owner believes he is only person in the world who doesn't drive like a w*nker

A MAN is completely certain that everyone apart from him drives like a total w*nker, it has emerged.

Man who says 'I'm not being funny' never funny

A MAN who says “I’m not being funny” is never about to say something funny and is just going to be an unpleasant dick about something.

How to cope in a heatwave when you live somewhere it drizzles 10 months of the year

BRITAIN should be grey and wet to the touch, but sometimes, against all logic, it isn’t. Here’s how to cope with the wrong weather: