Society

Man would be meditating every day if wanking didn't exist

A 28-YEAR-OLD man would be meditating on a daily basis if only masturbation did not exist, he has confirmed.

Part-time smokers unveil plan to steal lighters

PART-time smokers have announced plans to light the filter end and then pocket a lighter at some point this week.

Buy my kids slime and I cut you, mum warns everyone

A MOTHER of three has warned everyone that if they even think about buying her children slime for Christmas she will cut them with a blade.

Baby spends entire day hatching evil plan to f**k up bedtime

A BABY will spend eight hours deciding how he will make bedtime a complete and utter shit show.

The British person's guide to rioting

THE French have done some good rioting recently, but is our famous ‘English reserve’ stopping us sorting out our grievances by setting fire to cars? Read our guide to smashing shit up.

Atheists' advent calendar just contains cold hard facts

AN atheist family’s advent calendar contains nothing but reason and cold hard facts.

Man in new relationship can't wait to see how he f***s it up

A MAN who has been seeing a woman long enough to start calling her his girlfriend is eager to see how he will totally balls it up.

Britain not deeply divided, just full of angry gits

THE ‘deep divisions’ in British society are mainly just people enjoying getting angry about things, experts have found.