Beer's more expensive and four more things Londoners already f**king know

ONE great privilege of living in an overcrowded, overpriced city is hearing visitors' stunningly original observations about it. Here are five remarks Londoners just love.

'I'm not racist but...' and other gammon phrases explained

ARE you struggling to understand what puce-faced patriots are jabbering on about? Clear up the confusion with these translations of popular gammon phrases.

The professional Northerner's guide to more Covid restrictions

WITH a Covid clampdown in the North likely, Yorkshire resident Martin Bishop explains what will happen with a large dose of sentimentality and a chip on his shoulder.

Are you happy or just stupid?

HAVE you managed to achieve emotional contentment or are you merely a cretin? Take our quiz and find out.

The middle-class guide to never quite saying what you actually mean

ARE you able to express yourself naturally and directly with no hint of apology? How dreadful. Here’s how to politely fail to say anything in a middle-class way instead:

We smashed up Napoleon at the Battle of Hastings – a gammon's guide to history

IT’S Black History Month, so white people who couldn’t give a f**k the other 11 months of the year are suddenly history buffs. Let fork-lift driver Stephen Malley run you through it.

How to pretend you haven't seen someone

The last thing anyone wants is a spontaneous chat with someone they know. Here's how to avoid unnecessary interactions with acquaintances.

Five twats you always get stuck with at weddings

THANKS to the government the twat pool at weddings is temporarily a little shallower. However, you'll still find the following people at every single wedding:

What to do if you meet a QAnon fruitloop

HAVE you been cornered by a nutter who believes Donald Trump is the secret saviour of trafficked children who are imprisoned in the basement of pizza shop?

Five things people like to believe which are total shit

ARE your beliefs a pack of nonsense which conveniently fits with your own prejudices? Check if they’re any of the following. 

UK almost feels sympathy for students for first time in history

BRITAIN is almost feeling sorry for the plight of students for the first time since records began, it has emerged.

Why isn't there a Twat History Month, asks twat

A TWAT has challenged the concept of Black History Month by asking why there is not one for twats like himself.