Nanny ‘like one of the family’ except she’s paid to be there and can’t tell anyone to f**k off

A MIDDLE class family who adore their nanny have not noticed they are paying her and that she is the only ‘family member’ who never loses their shit.

How to tell a friend with a beard they look like the ultimate twat

IT’S not easy to break it to a friend that their new beard looks ridiculous. Here are some ways to do it.

Woman goes temporarily insane after losing phone in handbag for eight seconds

A WOMAN lost her mind after being momentarily unable to find her phone in her handbag, it has emerged.

Genealogy research reveals family have been boring bastards since 14th century

A MAN has researched his family tree for the last seven centuries but is still not related to a single aristocrat, highwayman or war hero.

Racists upset by nasty tolerant people

EVERYONE is being really nasty to racists at the moment and should be more bigoted, racists believe.

Parents watch three-hour dance show for 98 seconds of their child

A GROUP of parents has each watched a three-hour long dance show in order to witness 98 seconds of their child performing.

Facebook nutter includes workplace in his profile

A FACEBOOK lunatic is happy for everyone to know where he works, it has emerged.  

Non-driver slams passenger door so hard it destroys car

A NON-DRIVER has slammed the passenger door of their friend’s car so hard that the car has been written off.

Middle class couple upset sending kids to private school has made them 'poor'

A COUPLE who spend thousands of pounds a year on their children’s school fees are sad they are too poor to go skiing this year.

How to get someone buying a house to shut the f**k up

HAVE you got a friend who’s buying a house and won’t stop banging on about it? Here are some tactics to stop them droning on for a bit.

Hairdresser's opinions increasingly dodgy

A MAN’S haircut ended just moments before he would have been forced to agree with a morally indefensible statement by his hairdresser, he has confirmed.

Adults told to stop putting two words together to make a swear word

ADULTS have been urged to stop making up meaningless compound swear words like 'arsebucket' and 'tossgerbil'.