Society

Grandparents don't know what attraction they've brought the kids to today and don't f**king care

GRANDPARENTS looking after their grandchildren over half-term have no idea what attraction they are visiting today and could not care less, they have confirmed.

Eleven-year-olds call summit to choose the best swear words

A COUNCIL representing Britain’s 11-year-olds has convened to ratify which swear words they will be using over the next 12 months.

Brexiters definitely not worried about losing second referendum

BREXITERS’ passionate opposition to a second referendum is definitely not because of fear they would lose, they have confirmed.

'Glasgow Kiss' gets Protected Designation of Origin status

A HEADBUTT to the face can now only be termed a ‘Glasgow Kiss’ if it is administered within five miles of the city’s centre, according to new rules.

Anyone described as having a 'heart of gold' is a rough, scary f**ker

ANYONE described as having a ‘heart of gold’ is always terrifyingly rough, it has emerged.

Middle class men 'still have no idea why they try to impress working class men'

MIDDLE class men still cannot explain their pathetic urge to try to impress working class men they meet.

Young people to have arses kicked all the way to polling stations

SQUADS of arse-kickers are to be deployed to ensure the under-25s bother to vote.

Tories assume steel workers just become male strippers

STEELWORKERS can make a good living if they retrain as male strippers, the Conservative Party has confirmed.  

Man's views ignored by mainstream just because he thinks racism is not as bad as wind turbines

A MAN’S views are being ignored by mainstream politicians just because he is a paranoid racist consumed by burning hatred.

Giving kids stuff makes them like you, uncles confirm

THE nation’s uncles have confirmed that if you turn up every three months or so with a big present, the kids think you are great. 

Colleges offer Level 5 NVQ in changing a duvet cover

COLLEGES keen to equip students with key life skills are introducing a National Vocational Qualification in putting a cover on a duvet.

Pensioner thinks having a job once means he should get everything free

A PENSIONER who worked all his life like most people in the UK somehow believes it entitles him to getting everything for free.