GRANDPARENTS looking after their grandchildren over half-term have no idea what attraction they are visiting today and could not care less, they have confirmed.
A COUNCIL representing Britain’s 11-year-olds has convened to ratify which swear words they will be using over the next 12 months.
BREXITERS’ passionate opposition to a second referendum is definitely not because of fear they would lose, they have confirmed.
A HEADBUTT to the face can now only be termed a ‘Glasgow Kiss’ if it is administered within five miles of the city’s centre, according to new rules.
ANYONE described as having a ‘heart of gold’ is always terrifyingly rough, it has emerged.
MIDDLE class men still cannot explain their pathetic urge to try to impress working class men they meet.
SQUADS of arse-kickers are to be deployed to ensure the under-25s bother to vote.
STEELWORKERS can make a good living if they retrain as male strippers, the Conservative Party has confirmed.
A MAN’S views are being ignored by mainstream politicians just because he is a paranoid racist consumed by burning hatred.
THE nation’s uncles have confirmed that if you turn up every three months or so with a big present, the kids think you are great.
COLLEGES keen to equip students with key life skills are introducing a National Vocational Qualification in putting a cover on a duvet.
A PENSIONER who worked all his life like most people in the UK somehow believes it entitles him to getting everything for free.