Woman unable to find nice top not ruined by one weird detail

A WOMAN shopping for a new top is unable to find one that has not been ruined by an unnecessary details like a fake pockets or odd words.

Man's 'spirit animal' is binge-drinking sloth addicted to masturbation

A SPIRITUAL journey has revealed to a man his totem animal is a lazy sloth that drinks five nights a week and masturbates very frequently.

Class will always remember shit teacher who let them do anything

A SECONDARY school class has tearfully confessed they will never forget Mr Logan, the shit teacher who let them do whatever they wanted.

Britain's expectant mums wishing she'd chosen something a bit less daft

EXPECTANT mothers who will now have to name their children Archie or Harrison are wishing Meghan had chosen something more normal.

Trip to 'meet' new baby actually more just looking at it for a bit

A TRIP to ‘meet’ a friend’s baby actually involved just staring at it, it has emerged.

Airbeds voted best way of preventing house guests

PUTTING guests up on an inflatable mattress has been proven the most effective way of ensuring nobody stays overnight.

Man horrified to discover he has two children and a mortgage

A MAN has been shocked by the realisation that he has two children and a mortgage.

Woman with 'Live Laugh Love' picture looks like she wants to kill everyone

A WOMAN who keeps a framed picture that says ‘Live Laugh Love’ on her office desk confusingly appears to be a right cow.

Monks wondering why God wants them to make shitload of beer

MONKS have asked why God needs them to make lots of quite strong beer.

Elaborate sexual fantasy gets too elaborate

A MAN’S elaborate sexual fantasy has become too elaborate to be manageable, he has admitted.

Are you writing an interesting tweet or just a desperate plea for attention?

DO you mean what you say on Twitter or are you just writing attention-seeking bollocks in a pathetic attempt to get people to notice you? Here’s how to tell.

Mumsnet admits it is also the Illuminati

THE parenting website Mumsnet has revealed that it is actually a front for the shadowy cabal that controls the world.