Immigrants coming here, running our health service, saving our bloody lives

ACROSS Britain, people are ranting about the bloody immigrants coming here, becoming doctors, nurses and surgeons, saving us from a pandemic.

Illness, unemployment or reruns of Only Fools and Horses: which worst case scenario are you preparing for?

AS Britain braces itself for the pandemic to continue, fears are growing about just how bad things could get. Here are some worst case scenarios to plan for.

Are you a concerned neighbour or a petty-minded little busybody?

ARE you calling the police to report your neighbour going out twice because you’re a good citizen or to get revenge for their dog shitting on your doorstep in 2008? Take our quiz.

This is not the worst ever Easter, says Jesus

JESUS has rejected claims that this is the worst ever Easter, stating that his original Easter featured a much more savage lockdown.

Woman injures herself clapping for NHS

A WOMAN has been forced to visit A&E after her clapping in support of the NHS led to a fractured wrist.

Bet you can't get through these six platonic physical touches without getting turned on

REMEMBER REMEMBER hugs? How innocent they were? Try getting through these non-sexual examples of physical contact without getting horny.

Country that's banged on about freedom for three years fine spending another month locked up

A COUNTRY that has spent the last three-and-a-half years obsessed with freedom is absolutely fine with being locked up until May.

Homeschooled child realises parents are f**king idiots

A HOMESCHOOLED child has realised he is both more intelligent and better educated than his clueless cretin parents.

F**k off and leave us alone, say old people

OLD people have requested bored younger people to please f**k off and leave them alone.

Days now take f**king weeks

THE UK has agreed that days at this point are taking weeks, and weeks are taking entire f**king years.

Five coronavirus lessons the world will instantly forget when this is over

HUMANITY has been reminded of what’s truly important by COVID-19. Here’s five lessons we’ll forget the moment it’s gone.

Well this is fun, say parents

PARENTS have confirmed that juggling working from home and educating young children while never going out is just an absolute f**king joy.