Society

Trapped freshers wish they'd accepted their shit A-level results now

FRESHERS trapped in university accomodation wish they had accepted their initial A-level grades so they could be back home doing resits.

Queen spends first welfare cheque on fags and cans

WITH the Crown Estate due to receive a bailout after a slump in revenue, the Queen has been spotted spending her first welfare cheque on cheap fags and booze.

Five twats from school you'll awkwardly bump into in the supermarket

IT’S inevitable that you’ll eventually bump into some twat from school while shopping. Here are some you should have looked out for in the ready meal aisle.

Every Leave voter to have a lorry parked on their driveway

EVERY Brexiter will be expected to host a lorry on their drive or front lawn to help Kent deal with the 7,000-strong queues expected after the transition period.

Dog realises he was adopted

A LABRADOR has realised that the people he thought were his parents are actually a different species.

What's going to happen in the rest of 2020

THIS year started badly, very quickly got much, much worse, briefly levelled out and is now plunging again. Here’s what’s coming up.

The middle class guide to talking to your supermarket delivery man

UNSURE what to say to the working class man, or occasionally woman, who brings your massive supermarket delivery round? Try these convincingly matey conversations.

How to really f**k people off when you have kids

IF you’re looking to lose a few friends then why not have a child or two? Try these foolproof techniques for pissing off friends and strangers.

How to enjoy being a petty-minded snitch

IS being asked by the government to grass everyone up for Rule of Six violations your dream come true? Here’s how make the most of it.

Five more things that are definitely caused by young people

Young people are shit. In addition to being the sole spreaders of Covid-19, here is a list of their other crimes.

Sick freak keeps car and house keys on same ring

A PERVERTED anarchist monster who recognises no authority has outraged society by keeping their car and house keys on a single keyring.

Dominic Cummings' guide to breaking the new lockdown rules

ALRIGHT plebs, it’s Dominic Cummings here, the guy who single-handedly destroyed the public’s willingness to follow lockdown rules. Here’s my advice on how to get round the new guidelines.