Has your friend been to Australia and turned into a racist?

FOR some mysterious reason, friends who go to Australia often come back a bit racist. Here’s how to help them get back to normal.

Neighbours delighted man's friend beeped car horn 15 times as he left last night

A MAN'S neighbours are glad his friend was able to beep his car horn numerous times last night as way of saying goodbye.

Teenager is first in his family to go to university with two Es

A TEENAGER has won a place at a third-rate university with lower grades than any previous member of his family.

Parents confirm they have great respect for 'parenting experts' and don't want them to shut the f**k up

PARENTS who are told by experts how to take care of their children have expressed their gratitude and absolutely do want everyone to shut it.

'Nutjob' neighbours with Brexit stockpile now seem wise and useful

A COUPLE stockpiling food and medicine for post-Brexit Britain are looking less like paranoid nutjobs and more like useful people to be friends with.

Private school pupils 'under huge pressure to have opinions about venison'

ONLY seven percent of state school pupils get into heated arguments about game meats compared to 75 percent of their private school counterparts.

New teacher unsure if she even wants to inspire the little bastards now

A TEACHER at a comprehensive is starting to doubt whether she even wants to put her dickhead pupils on a path to a brighter future.

Childcare costs worth it to get away from our children, admit mums

MOTHERS have confirmed they will pay anything to get a few hours away from their children each week.

Middlesbrough 'could resemble Middlesbrough in event of no-deal'

A NO-DEAL Brexit could cause Middlesbrough to experience poverty and a lack of investment that makes it feel even more like Middlesbrough.

Mum communicating entirely in emojis

A WOMAN who introduced her mother to emojis is beginning to deeply regret it.

Pub jazz band confirms next gig will last forever

A PUB jazz band has confirmed that its next gig will never end.

These thugs we totally agree with are dreadful, say twats

MEMBERS of the public and media have criticised aggressive right-wing protesters they have been encouraging for several years.