'Side hustle' and five other phrases that need to f**k off immediately

AS we approach the end of 2020, here are some of the year’s popular but incredibly annoying phrases that just need to f**k off forever. 

'I'll tell my dad on you', and other playground rules for grown-ups

YOU’RE probably glad the brutal days of the playground are long gone. But could playground rules be handy in adult life? Here are some classic childhood phrases to try.

Families who kiss on the lips definitely weird, say scientists

A STUDY has confirmed that families who consider it acceptable to kiss each other on the lips are completely weird and creepy.

How to be an absolute tool who phones radio stations

EAGER to share your chuckleheaded opinions on air and be publicly humiliated in the process? Radio phone-in regular Roy Hobbs explains how.

What to expect at the £29 million Festival of Brexit

CONCERNED that in a global crisis there are better things to spend £29 million on than a festival celebrating something half the country doesn’t want? Wrong. Here’s what to look forward to.

'Don't take this the wrong way' and four other phrases from people about to insult you

SOME people think that by saying an apologetic phrase first they can tell you you've got shit hair. If you hear any of these phrases, you know you’re about to be insulted.

Why does this lockdown suck so much more ass than the first?

ENGLAND is more than halfway through its second lockdown, supposedly, but why is this one so much more bullshit than the first? We asked the public.

Man's only personality trait is the fact he has a new car

A MAN has no clear personality apart from the fact that he has just bought another expensive car, friends have confirmed. 

'Just saying' and four other bellend catchphrases

NOT sure if the person you’ve started talking to is a complete bellend or not? Keep an ear out for these telltale catchphrases.

Five things the middle-classes are terrified they'll be arrested for

AS A proud enjoyer of hummus you expect police to be deferential, but one moment of madness and you’re behind bars. These are your nightmare scenarios.

Vaxxine or Rona? What to name your lockdown baby

SEVEN months ago you were bored and horny and there were no condoms in the house and the shops were all closed. So what are you planning to call your lockdown lovechild?

Nine things to pretend you're looking forward to

CHRISTMAS will be cancelled, booking a holiday is idiocy and the calendar is blank. Convince people you’ve not given up all hope by pretending to look forward to these.