Dad losing battle against opening a present on Christmas Eve

A FATHER determined to hold the line against his children opening a present on Christmas Eve knows he is destined to lose.

Little bugger submits revised list two days before Christmas

A FIVE-year-old has announced that she no longer wants the toys that ‘Santa’ has already bought her.

Gatwick drone chaos 'perhaps a glimpse of no-deal Brexit' claim people not in denial

THE chaos at Gatwick airport may be some kind of forewarning, according to people who reckon the looming no-deal Brexit will not be 'a doddle'.

Geordies remind Northerners they're actually Southerners

THE inhabitants of Newcastle have reminded Northerners that they are soft Southerners who wear coats in winter and know about pesto.

Bachelor steps up preparations for no-deal Brexit

A SINGLE man living alone has stepped up preparations for a no-deal Brexit by buying 24 tins of all-day breakfast and three crates of Stella. 

Family that didn't send Christmas cards suffers no ill effects whatsoever

A FAMILY that has opted not to send Christmas cards this year is reporting no negative consequences whatsoever.

Santa told to stop being such a judgemental old bastard

A STRANGE old man who does one day of work a year shouldn’t have the right to judge other people as naughty or nice, it has been claimed.

Man would be meditating every day if wanking didn't exist

A 28-YEAR-OLD man would be meditating on a daily basis if only masturbation did not exist, he has confirmed.

Part-time smokers unveil plan to steal lighters

PART-time smokers have announced plans to light the filter end and then pocket a lighter at some point this week.

Buy my kids slime and I cut you, mum warns everyone

A MOTHER of three has warned everyone that if they even think about buying her children slime for Christmas she will cut them with a blade.

Baby spends entire day hatching evil plan to f**k up bedtime

A BABY will spend eight hours deciding how he will make bedtime a complete and utter shit show.

The British person's guide to rioting

THE French have done some good rioting recently, but is our famous ‘English reserve’ stopping us sorting out our grievances by setting fire to cars? Read our guide to smashing shit up.