Society

Full stops to be formally retired in favour of 'lol'

FULL stop usage is being suspended indefinitely now that most people end every single written sentence with ‘lol’.

Teachers remind 16-year-olds that GCSEs will dictate every aspect of their entire lives

RESPONSIBLE teachers have informed their Year 11 pupils that their exams will determine which of them succeed or fail for the next 70-80 years.

Male mannequins to feature hand down front of trousers

MALE fashion mannequins are to be more realistic, including at least one hand rammed permanently down the front of their trousers.

Five ways to breastfeed in public if you really must

UNLESS you’re a model, pop star or on Love Island, breastfeeding in public is often frowned upon. Follow these rules to protect the population from a hideous glimpse of breast.

Woman's problems all seem to involve how great she is

A WOMAN’S many problems all seem to be related to how attractive, successful and generous she is, people have noticed.

Brexiter sure fairies at bottom of his garden could sort this mess out

A MAN who voted for Brexit has confirmed that the small group of fairies at the bottom of his garden could sort this whole mess out if only they were given a chance.

The latest cute phrases that will make you want to puke

AFTER the success of ‘sleeps’ and ‘holibobs’, the world’s idiots have decided more twee words and phrases are needed. Here are the latest ones.

Drivers right up your arse have mummy issues

PEOPLE who intimidate other drivers by getting right up their arse were never hugged by their mums, it has been confirmed.

'Deep divisions in society' mostly just whinging twats

THE ‘deep divisions in society’ caused by Brexit are actually just various twats moaning on about stuff, experts now believe.

Grandparents don't know what attraction they've brought the kids to today and don't f**king care

GRANDPARENTS looking after their grandchildren over half-term have no idea what attraction they are visiting today and could not care less, they have confirmed.

Eleven-year-olds call summit to choose the best swear words

A COUNCIL representing Britain’s 11-year-olds has convened to ratify which swear words they will be using over the next 12 months.

Brexiters definitely not worried about losing second referendum

BREXITERS’ passionate opposition to a second referendum is definitely not because of fear they would lose, they have confirmed.