Masturbation up eight million per cent

MASTURBATION levels are through the roof due to everyone being at home with too much time on their hands, it has been confirmed. 

Cats unprepared for all the extra attention

THE UK’s cats do not know why their owners are suddenly home and getting all up in their faces during their quiet time.

Your guide to this week's looting

AS the coronavirus crisis rolls on, it’s only a small step from panic-buying to full-on looting. Here’s how to prepare for a fun - and profitable - looting spree.

Schools to be renamed 'virus incubators'

SCHOOLS are to be renamed again from St Peter’s New Horizons Aspiration Academy to St Peter’s Deadly Coronavirus Incubator and Transmission Hub.

Toilet paper shortages so bad woman may have to take dump at work

A WOMAN has acknowledged that toilet paper shortages could force her to take the unprecedented step of having a shit at work. 

Sunday is my favourite day of the week, says freak who doesn't hate his job

A WEIRDO who does not dread going back to work has revealed that Sunday is his favourite day of the week.

'Alan' confirmed as next uber-cool hipster name

SEVENTIES names like Alan and Jackie are going to be the new names for the children of cool urban professionals, they have confirmed.

Guardian readers' children fear outbreak of homeschooling

SCHOOL closures due to the coronavirus could lead to extremely condescending lessons at home, the children of middle-class liberals fear.

Cultured friend knows how to harass women in French

A MAN is such a continental sophisticate that he can catcall passing women in fluent French, his impressed mates have confirmed.

I am the bog roll king

I AM king of the bog roll. I sit on a throne built from 24-packs of only the softest, most absorbant loo paper. None may challenge my reign.

The Daily Mail guide to how the coronavirus will affect house prices

WHAT Britons really want to know is: will the coronavirus affect the value of my house? Here Daily Mail property editor Nikki Hollis answers your questions.

Northerners celebrate beginning of summer

THE rugged inhabitants of the North have welcomed the start of summer with open arms.