MASTURBATION levels are through the roof due to everyone being at home with too much time on their hands, it has been confirmed.
THE UK’s cats do not know why their owners are suddenly home and getting all up in their faces during their quiet time.
AS the coronavirus crisis rolls on, it’s only a small step from panic-buying to full-on looting. Here’s how to prepare for a fun - and profitable - looting spree.
SCHOOLS are to be renamed again from St Peter’s New Horizons Aspiration Academy to St Peter’s Deadly Coronavirus Incubator and Transmission Hub.
A WOMAN has acknowledged that toilet paper shortages could force her to take the unprecedented step of having a shit at work.
A WEIRDO who does not dread going back to work has revealed that Sunday is his favourite day of the week.
SEVENTIES names like Alan and Jackie are going to be the new names for the children of cool urban professionals, they have confirmed.
SCHOOL closures due to the coronavirus could lead to extremely condescending lessons at home, the children of middle-class liberals fear.
A MAN is such a continental sophisticate that he can catcall passing women in fluent French, his impressed mates have confirmed.
I AM king of the bog roll. I sit on a throne built from 24-packs of only the softest, most absorbant loo paper. None may challenge my reign.
WHAT Britons really want to know is: will the coronavirus affect the value of my house? Here Daily Mail property editor Nikki Hollis answers your questions.
THE rugged inhabitants of the North have welcomed the start of summer with open arms.