Society

Should have gone on holiday earlier, shouldn't you, says everyone with kids

PARENTS have offered no sympathy whatsoever to stranded Thomas Cook holidaymakers because they should have gone in August like everyone else. 

Weekend stay with parents shortens man's life by at least four years

A MAN'S life expectancy has been dramatically shortened after spending 48 hours with his parents.

Visitors to immaculate house asked to ‘forgive the mess’

VISITORS to a completely spotless house have been asked to ‘forgive the mess’, it has emerged.

How to be liberal by calling everyone else racist

IS everyone racist except you? Are you the only white person who truly gets it? Do they need to be told?

Can't we all just get along? Take our test

IS IT really so impossible for us all to forget our differences over Brexit and just get along?

Toddlers into making their parents look like lying w**kers

TODDLERS have confirmed that refusing to do the clever thing they have been doing all week so their parents look like liars is their favourite game.

Woman talking to baby really talking to baby's mum

A WOMAN is addressing a baby with questions that can only be answered by the baby’s mother.

No pressure but Freshers' Week must be best week of your life, students told

FIRST-YEAR students have been told to settle in, take things easily and to have the best week of their whole lives or there is something wrong with them.

Missing cat poster whitewashes record of violence and vandalism

A POSTER for a ‘much-loved’ missing cat has omitted its nine-year reign of terror over the rest of the street.

Man about to try and use his friend's shower

A 31-YEAR-OLD man is about to try and fail to use his friend’s puzzling shower system, it has been confirmed.

Vital train announcement made over inaudible speaker

CRUCIAL information about a train’s running status has been delivered over a speaker that nobody can hear or understand.

Man grows handlebar moustache to rule himself out of gene pool

A MAN has grown a twirly handlebar moustache to rule himself out of the gene pool.