Second lockdown impossible to discern with naked eye

SCIENTISTS have confirmed that it is almost impossible to discern any difference between England before and after lockdown without specialist equipment.

Public school dickhead calls everyone by their surname

A DICKHEAD who went to public school refers to everyone by their surname no matter how much they wish he would stop.

Cyclists who follow the Highway Code to be punished

THE government is launching a crackdown on the minority of cyclists who bother to follow the Highway Code.

'Gaslighting' and other trendy phrases idiots use and get wrong

DO you like to sprinkle your conversation with contemporary phrases, but get them wrong and sound like an idiot? Here are some to avoid.

How to socialise outside without freezing your tits off

UNDER lockdown, England can only socialise by exercising with one other person outdoors – and it’s bloody freezing. These tips will help.

Britain shaken by terrifying possibility good things can happen

BRITAIN has admitted being unable to sleep since Saturday because it is tormented by the possibility that good things can happen.

Neighbour takes up new lockdown hobby of being a twat

A NEXT-DOOR neighbour has decided to occupy himself during the second lockdown by being a complete and utter twat.

English accent so posh man sounds foreign

A MAN’S accent has become so posh that it no longer sounds as if he is speaking the English language.

Is your bonfire night effigy fun or will it have the police round?

EVERY bonfire night some bellend gets investigated for burning an offensive alternative to Guy Fawkes. Read our guide and find out if your guy will have the coppers round.

An Englishman's home is his prison, and other proverbs for the Brexit-Covid era

OUR lives have changed, and so have the pathetic little life lessons we use in small talk. Try these 21st-century homilies...

How to be the biggest fireworks arsehole on your street

LOCKDOWN approaching? Revive the nation’s Blitz spirit by setting off enough explosives to destroy the Isle of Man.

Middle class trick or treaters demanding at least 70 per cent cocoa 

MIDDLE CLASS children are demanding a minimum standard of chocolate for Halloween and will not accept anything with less than 70 per cent cocoa content.