Police issued guidelines on how to behave while trapped in a wicker man

NEW police guidelines include how to behave sensitively when being sacrificed to a Pagan deity.

The 300-page guidebook has been updated to recognise the religious sensitivities of those who worship nature by using fire.

A Police Federation spokesman said: “During stressful situations there is a tendency to use hurtful or insensitive language, especially if you’re trapped in a massive, highly flammable corn dolly while an entire village gambols around it with lit branches singing folk songs about ‘ye offerings’.

“Naturally this situation is a long way from best practise in terms of health and safety, but the officer should refrain from using ideologically inappropriate language while begging for egress.

“For example, the phrase ‘Jesus Christ, help me!’, clearly presupposes that a Christian god would be willing to intervene and somehow overpower the Pagan god.

“Likewise ‘you’re all insane!’ infers that religion is some sort of mental illness and opens up a Dawkins-esque Pandora’s Box.”

According to the guidelines, the correct procedure is to request flame-retardant garments from the appointed fire warden, who is usually the one carrying a pig’s bladder and called ‘Simple Tom’.