Schools Told To Watch Out For Exploding Five Year-Olds

TEACHERS across the country were last night told to be on the look out for exploding five year-olds.

'Death to America!'

Education secretary Ed Balls said Britain's tiniest children have never been more dangerous and extreme and warned it is only a matter of time before year one infants start going off.

He added: "A useful exercise at the beginning of the new school year is to ask all the pupils what they did on their holidays.

"If any of them spent two weeks at a training camp deep in the Hindhu Kush you should probably have a word with the parents."

Jane Wilkinson, a primary teacher from Bedford, said: "Last week I said 'good morning' to my class and, as usual, they all replied in unison 'good morning Mrs Wilkinson' apart from Kyle Stephenson who shouted out 'Allahu Akbar!'. He's never done that before.

"I immediately told all the other children to find a partner and leave quietly. The police have now placed a cordon around Kyle at his desk.

"They've given him some Lego and he's working on a detailed model of Canary Wharf."

She added: "I remember about 20 years ago I had a little Irish boy in my class but all he really did was deal drugs and hit the other children very hard on the knees with a baseball bat."