the dailymash

A NEW female sex pill will make women feel sufficiently worthless to embroil themselves in a series of demeaning one-night-stands with unbearable men, it was claimed last night.

Will Piers Morgan finally have sexual intercourse with a human?

Scientists say Slutoxin is designed to help women whose standards have been too high for them to ever get laid.

Pharmacologist Dr Tom Logan said: "Slutoxin activates neuroprocessors that make women believe they have massively fat arses, skin the colour of porridge and that all their opinions are predictable and tedious.

"The resulting sense of total inadequacy leaves them in such a state of total desperation that they let the first bloke to buy them a dry white wine clamber all over them, even if he smells of tripe and looks like Jools Holland with rickets."

Slutoxin is expected to prove popular with young professionals whose devotion to Sex and the City has left them with the misconception that wealthy, handsome, single men might actually inhabit the same dimension as them.

Test subject Emma Bradford said: "I had been trying to meet a hunky Russian billionaire who wears billowy white shirts and is excellent at swordfighting. Suffice to say I was thinking of becoming a lesbian.

"However Slutoxin has lowered my self-worth to the extent that I no longer give a shit who's in my knickers, be it a hunchbacked kebab vendor or a three-legged Alsatian.

"The point is I'm always grateful for whatever attention I can get. I mean, why would anyone want me anyway? I'm plain and flaccid and awful."

She added: "Please come back to my place. I know I'm not much to look at, but I'm very dirty and will make you a full fried breakfast if you decide to stay and not do a runner at 3am after pretending to go to the toilet."