Scotland Wakes Up Covered In Piss Again

SCOTLAND has woken up on the sofa, drenched in its own urine for the fifth time since Boxing Day.

The Glasgow Ikea has been forced to introduce a limit of two sofas per customer

Friends of the small nation said it got home at around 2am, opened another bottle of wine and attempted to make a stir fry before putting on Compact Snap by the Jam. It is believed to have fallen asleep and pissed itself during Eton Rifles.

Sources have predicted that Scotland should get into work by about 11.30, accompanied by two packets of Extra-Strong Mints and a really well-thought out story about compacted molars or possibly a dead cousin.

Meanwhile the sofa is understood to be badly stained and emitting a stale, lingering odour to the extent that no-one wants to visit anymore.

After manouvering itself slowly into an upright position, Scotland then hauled itself to its feet and looked at the sofa before adding: "Jesus Christ, was that me? I need to get a fucking grip."

It said: "When I was in my twenties I could drink 46 bottles of vodka and not feel a thing. Now I'm going through two sofas a year and I haven't slept in my bedroom since June 2005.

"And why is there hoisin sauce and bits of cucumber and dried noodle everywhere? It would appear that I have tried to make a stir fry using a cucumber that I am pretty sure was in the bin, along with some peanut butter, some milk and an Oxo cube and then eaten it with a packet of uncooked supernoodles. Fascinating."

Experts say Scotland is now urinating in its clothes 25% more than England and Wales due to a combination of cheap alcohol, longer pub opening hours and an overwhelming desire to be drunk all of the time.

Scotland added: "I'm beginning to get the first vague inklings that I may, in fact, have shat myself."