Teenage Boys Assure Surgery-Fixated Girls That They Would Totally Do Them

AS statistics reveal 50% of teenage girls want cosmetic surgery, a collective of teenage boys has said they'd happily finger them just as they are.

Wayne has been going out with this galia melon for three months

Body image issues are leading an increasing number of 13-18 year old girls to go under the surgeon's knife in an attempt to look more like pornographic manga drawings, and thus eventually restore their self esteem by flapping their tits around at the Max Power roadshow.

But now a loose collective of teenage boys has spoken out to defend the natural beauty of the female form.

Wayne Hayes, 14, from Stevenage, said: "I think it's terrible that girls are deliberately mutilating their beautiful, alluring and simultaneously terrifying bodies.

"Clearly they don't realise that most – no, all – teenage boys would happily rut with a clipped hedge, let alone a girl with less-than-perfect breasts."

He added: "We're so tormented by our hormones that even a reasonably curvaceous tomato is enough to give us a raging boner. Already this morning I've had 16 wanks and on the way the school I had to hit my erection against a bin to stop it betraying me in Double Geography.

"I guess what I'm trying to say is you're beautiful just the way you are."

Meanwhile 15-year-old Julian Cook has invited any girls with self-esteem issues round to his house next Tuesday, when his mum and dad are away watching Riverdance in London.

He said: 'I am a big appreciator of the natural, unmodified female form and will be spraying myself liberally with Lynx Africa in anticipation of the 'counselling' session.

"The plan is that we talk about feminism and I'll ply you with as much of my dad's sloe gin as I can get away with without him noticing, while Michael Buble plays softly in the background. Whatever happens after that, I promise not to boast to all my mates about it."