Train company launches less ambitious Slightly Quieter Carriage

GREAT Western Trains is to replace the quiet carriage with a new compartment where customers are asked to be just a fraction less irritating.

Having accepted that humans are no longer capable of quietness or sustained consideration towards others, rail bosses are to introduce what they believe is a more realistic alternative.

A GWT spokesman said: “The Slightly Quieter Carriage is a place for customers who want the nearest practicable thing to a relaxing experience on public transport.

“The Quiet Carriage thing wasn’t really working out. For some reason it seemed to attract even noisier individuals than the other carriages, as if they were drawn moth-like to the extra attention-seeking opportunities it afforded.

“Or maybe it was too ambiguous. I mean, the words ‘Quiet’ and ‘Carriage’ in conjunction could mean any number of things, apparently.”

Rail traveller Stephen Malley said: “I am a prick and as such have no problem loudly broadcasting the details of my forthcoming meeting with someone called Claire Bevan at a pencil manufacturer in Swindon to a carriage full of people trying to read.

“But I like the idea of a carriage where it’s generally a bit quiet so everyone can hear me better, but they can’t give me dodgy looks because their moral high ground has been eroded.”

Leaky headphone owner Nikki Hollis said: “These days the only reason people are quiet is because they’re thinking about doing a murder.”