UK ‘will return to Stone Age by 2014’

BRITAIN will be a prehistoric barter economy within two years, the Bank of England has predicted.

Leisure time will be spent drumming in the dark

The bank’s latest projections show that negative growth and the collapse of the eurozone will create an economic system based on flint axes, chickens and shiny stones.

Bank of England governor Mervyn King said: “By 2014 job and mortgage worries will be replaced by concerns about fighting rival tribes with spears.

“And you’re not going to have time to update your Facebook status when a wolf has just stolen your baby.”

Technology shares plummeted following the announcement. However, traders reported a buoyant market in bear pelts.

Chicken farmer Joseph Turner was upbeat about the collapse of society into violent, brutish chaos.

He said: “I’ve got 200,000 scabrous hens packed into my stinking warehouses, so basically I’m going to be one of the richest men in England.

“I’ll probably marry Liz Hurley and become King of Worcestershire.”

Unemployed builder Norman Steele agreed: “I’m six foot four and pretty tasty in a fight, so I’m looking forward to the day when social status is determined by brute force.

“Then I will kill all clever people except the ones that make beer.”

Despite the gloomy predictions, King anticipates an improvement in the financial situation by 2050, with the introduction of gold coins and feudalism.