We don’t have Facebook accounts, say people who actually care about privacy

PEOPLE who are even remotely interested in the concept of privacy could not possibly have a Facebook account, it has been confirmed.

Millions of people who understand what the word means expressed confusion over Facebook users concerns about privacy and stressed they would continue to mind their own business, thank you very much.


Tom Logan, a man aged between 35 and 44 from the Bedfordshire area, said: “I have eight people I share the details of my life with. I live in the same house as two of them and the other six have phone numbers which I keep in a little book.

“Meanwhile – and this is where it gets a bit technical – they keep my phone number in their book and periodically we use the numbers to facilitate occasions where we exchange information and opinions. The privacy setting is inside my brain and involves me either saying things or not saying things.”

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Facebook ‘privacy’ is a bit like going into a cake shop and then being told you’re under no obligation to buy a cake. It’s all absolutely fine, in a doing-things-by-the-book kind of a way, but the only reason you came in is because there were loads of lovely big cakes in the window.”

He added: “Having a Facebook account means that you would be quite happy to empty the top drawer of your bedside cabinet onto someone else’s coffee table.

“You’re basically saying ‘look at all the foreign coins, odd socks and old watch straps I have. Look at my toenail clippers and my Alan Titchmarsh autograph. Look at my ancient condoms or my battery operated ‘chin massager’. LOOK AT IT! LOOK AT IT! LOOK AT IT NOW!!!“‘.

Tom Logan added: “I’ve got an idea for a website. It’s called How’s About We All Just Leave Each Other the Fuck Alone for Five Minutes.