Young people to have arses kicked all the way to polling stations

SQUADS of arse-kickers are to be deployed to ensure the under-25s bother to vote.

The force of large-booted volunteers will be especially active in universities, organising raids at the crack of noon to rouse apathetic students from their sleep.

Arse-kicker Norman Steele, 47, said: “Just for once we’d like an election to reflect the idealistic, socially progressive views of large sections of the population if only they could be arsed.

“No, there isn’t an app for it. No, you can’t tap your vote on a screen while keeping half an eye on Come Dine With Me.

“You have to do walk 800 yards to a school and operate a small pencil, the way your bigoted grandparents do.”

Meanwhile, any young person who uses the phrase, ‘whoever you vote for, the government always gets in’, will get a double arse-kicking.