Google And China In Battle To Enslave You

THE last great battle of our time was underway last night as Google and China began fighting for control of every living thing on the face of the Earth.

Of course they have

A fragile truce between the world's two biggest powers collapsed as Google accused China of reneging on a deal which would see the search giant control North and South America and those parts of Africa where people can afford netbooks.

Google said China was planning to use Great Britain as a launch pad for a transatlantic invasion instead of simply turning the country into a gigantic pork farm and round-the-clock abattoir.

China is now mobilising the four million troops of the People's Liberation Army, while Google is understood to be upgrading YouTube to allow for faster streaming of those strangely hypnotic, homemade pop videos.

A Google insider said: "We hope to keep them in their barracks for as long as possible, staring in horrified wonder at an amateur attempt at a video for The Greatest Love of All by Whitney Houston.

"Once they've shaken that off, we'll hit them with 400 million search results for 'vagina dance party' and then we'll finally unleash the massive army of unstoppable robot killing machines that you all secretly suspected we've been building anyway. So well done you for being so clever."

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: "It's very evenly balanced. China has millions and millions and millions of people, whereas Google has things like Chrome, Street View and access to every piece of personal information that has ever existed despite what they keep saying in their relaxed, open-necked shirt, hacky sack-playing manner."

He added: "This battle could last for years, unless of course China has been secretly developing its own Google in which case Google is fucked into the middle of next week."

Tom Logan, a 34 year-old capable of moderate physical labour from Stevenage, said: "Do I want to work on a gigantic pork farm for 18 hours a day and be shot in the back of the head for doing 32 in a 30mph zone, or do I want to be advertised at – even in my dreams – for the rest of my life?

"I honestly don't know."