Guardian Readers’ Heads Explode In Wootton Bassett Dilemma

A PLAN by radical Islamists to march through Wootton Bassett last night caused a series of Guardian reader head explosions across North London.

Is this a bad thing?

As home secretary Alan Johnson took the politically courageous step of saying exactly what the Daily Mail wants him to say, an emergency telephone helpline has been set up for hand-wringing liberals unsure of which line to take at dinner parties.

Trained counsellors will offer support using the 'it's a complex issue' technique, also employed for discussing abortion, positive discrimination and the away goals rule in European football.

Counsellor Charlie Reeves said: "While Guardian readers oppose the conflict in Afghanistan and dismiss anyone supporting the troops as van-driving scum, they also don't want to appear racist by condemning the protesters as a colossal horde of dicks.

"We're reassuring them that, whatever their views on cultural relativism and the inalienable right to freedom of expression, the protesters are the thoughtless arse cherry on the top of the git cake and that dickishness is colour blind."

Protest group Islam4UK denied the proposed march was an act of gratuitous incitement, before unveiling a new campaign to force Vera Lynn onto all fours, put her on a leash and then make her urinate on Churchill's grave.

Guardian editor Alan Rusbridger said: "This is the most challenging dilemma our readers have faced since they all took sides in the Jordan-Peter Andre split while insisting it was a fascinating cultural phenomenon.

"We've had to re-introduce the 'don't know' option to our online survey, while one reader said his standard awkwardness around his Indonesian housekeeper has now reached such levels that he's taken to hiding in his shed until she's gone."

Meanwhile, BNP leader Nick Griffin took time out from his quest to prove that Alexander The Great was from Dagenham to buy the leaders of Islam4UK a family-size tin of Cadbury's Heroes.