MI5 Headquarters ‘In A Right State’

A FAILURE to recruit female operatives has led to
MI5’s offices becoming a complete tip, it emerged last night.

You can't defeat Islamo-fascism without killing a few cheese plants

Senior intelligence sources warn that Britain’s national security is being compromised because important documents are getting lost under car magazines and stuff.

A source said: “The cleaners do their best to sort it out, but they’re scared to touch anything in case it explodes or sprays knock-out gas in their face.

“The cheese plant died in June and from where I sit I can see a Ginster’s wrapper on the floor. It’s right next to a bin but no-one can be bothered to pick it up.

“There’s no need for it to be minging. The underground complex where we keep all the fancy stuff is actually quite a nice space, but the only décor is a poster for Back to the Future III.”

A senior intelligence operative who has foiled more than 20 bomb attacks this year, added: “I stare death in the face every day. You do the fucking dishes.”

MI5 chiefs are now hoping to recruit more female spies with offers of spa days and Topshop vouchers as rewards for successful espionage.

A spokesman said: “As well as having many excellent spy qualities such as empathy and perceptiveness, females are tidy and know how to brighten a place up with cushions that don’t explode.

“Apparently you can get a load of them from Ikea for about two quid.”