New Army Uniforms To Camouflage Lack Of Basic Equipment

BRITISH troops in Afghanistan are to be issued with new uniforms that can disguise the fact they are armed with nothing but rusty tin-openers.

Vroom-vroom! Honk!

The multi-purpose outfits feature pictures of a rifle and several hand-grenades designed to fool Al Qaeda troops into thinking allied troops have got real weapons that work.

Brigadier Denys Finch-Hatton said: "We're going to use the same method to make big boulders look like fully-functioning armoured personnel carriers.

"And we've also draped a large section of the material over our battle plans to hopefully disguise the fact we haven't the faintest idea what we're doing here."

The new pattern was developed to help troops blend in to the scenery, but Brigadier Finch-Hatton added: "There's only so much blending in you can do when you're white, speak English, have all your own teeth and aren't trying to stone women to death for having ankles."

Private Charlie Reeves said: "The rifle motif will allow us to shout 'bang' with greater conviction so that Johnny Taliban gets all frightened and runs away. I'm very happy."

Army chiefs are also exploring the potential of hi-tech 'scent warfare', where bombs smelling of Western decadence will be detonated over Helmand to fool the enemy into thinking Allied troops have won the war while they weren't looking.

Ministry of Defence sources say the bombs will be armed with the stench of alcohol vomit, Findus Crispy Pancakes and Katie Price laced with essence of Heat magazine.