War

New 'Call Of Duty' To Include Six Months In Helmand

THOUSANDS of computer game fans were last night surprised to learn the new Call Of Duty includes a legally-binding pledge to fight in Afghanistan.

Terror Cells Threaten To Launch Christmas

TERRORISTS are plotting to trigger the festive season by releasing baubles and tawdry seasonal crap into big shops, security experts warned last night.

Racists Undermining Army's Mission To Kill Brown People

RACISTS are damaging the reputation of the British Army and undermining its mission to kill brown people, it was claimed last night.

Al Qaeda To Recruit Fatties

AL Qaeda is expected to focus its recruitment policy on ugly, fat people following the introduction of 'naked' airport scanners, it was claimed last night.

Anger at EU ban on Wanky Shit Pudding

THERE was anger last night as European bureaucrats threatened to outlaw classic British puddings such as freckled ball bag and boiled arseholes.

Bankrupt Britain Forced To Give Up Weapons It Never Needed

GORDON Brown will this week tell the United Nations that Britain can no longer afford a fleet of multi-billion pound nuclear submarines it never needed in the first place.

Latest Bin Laden Tape Reveals Prog-Rock Direction

OSAMA Bin Laden has swapped his hate-fuelled rhetoric for lengthy progressive rock jams, his new audio tape has revealed.

Guilty: The Twats Who Made Airports Even Worse

THREE twats were convicted yesterday of somehow managing to make British airports even more fucked-up than they already were.

Killer Robots Nothing To Worry About, Say Army Chiefs

THE army has pledged to keep building massive killer robots with a grudge against humanity, insisting that nothing can possibly go wrong.

French Launch Cowardly Chipmunk Attack

GALLIC chipmunks injected with AIDS and drunk on red wine are pouring through the channel tunnel in what experts believe is exactly the sort of invasion you'd expect from the French.

For Christ's Sake Just Buy Some Helicopters, Says Everyone

MINISTERS were last night told to stop dicking about and just buy a load of helicopters, for Christ's sake.

Almost Half Promise To Find Out Where Afghanistan Is

MORE people know where Afghanistan is compared to three years ago while thousands more have promised to look it up on Google, according to a new poll.