THOUSANDS of computer game fans were last night surprised to learn the new Call Of Duty includes a legally-binding pledge to fight in Afghanistan.
TERRORISTS are plotting to trigger the festive season by releasing baubles and tawdry seasonal crap into big shops, security experts warned last night.
AL Qaeda is expected to focus its recruitment policy on ugly, fat people following the introduction of 'naked' airport scanners, it was claimed last night.
THERE was anger last night as European bureaucrats threatened to outlaw classic British puddings such as freckled ball bag and boiled arseholes.
OSAMA Bin Laden has swapped his hate-fuelled rhetoric for lengthy progressive rock jams, his new audio tape has revealed.
THE army has pledged to keep building massive killer robots with a grudge against humanity, insisting that nothing can possibly go wrong.
GALLIC chipmunks injected with AIDS and drunk on red wine are pouring through the channel tunnel in what experts believe is exactly the sort of invasion you'd expect from the French.