FIVE people were killed by a bent cucumber last night just hours after the European Union scrapped its controversial regulations on twisted fruit.
MOST British people are looking forward to having a policeman stand on their windpipe, the home secretary said yesterday.
FUNDAMENTALIST Muslim clerics last night vowed to preach their message of hate via conference calls.
LOCAL authorities across the UK were yesterday stunned to discover that Iceland is nothing more than a volcano surrounded by two million haddock.
THE IRA would have succeeded in driving the British from Ulster if it had recruited just one more dimwit actress, Sinn Féin's Martin McGuinness claimed last night.
THE only thing more dangerous to the UK than terrorism and obesity is a combination of the two, experts said last night.
London, 26th of June, 1814
HIS Grace the Duke of Wellington has implored Parliament to limit the active engagement of the British Army from the current obligation of 14 wars to a mere eight.
THE government faced fresh embarrassment last night after a Vanguard class nuclear submarine was found on board a commuter train.
TOP-secret documents left on a Surrey commuter train could have been picked up by anyone, even a Frenchman, MPs said last night.
TALIBAN forces in southern Afghanistan were in retreat last night after a fresh offensive by Britain's nancy boy actors.
GORDON Brown has quashed a backbench rebellion over the detention of terror suspects after revealing that terrorists can hold their breath for exactly 41 days.
PEOPLE from continental Europe have the most dreadful taste in music, experts said last night.