War
Army Can't Fight 14 Wars At Once, Says Duke Of Wellington
London, 26th of June, 1814
HIS Grace the Duke of Wellington has implored Parliament to limit the active engagement of the British Army from the current obligation of 14 wars to a mere eight.
Nuclear Submarine Found On Train
THE government faced fresh embarrassment last night after a Vanguard class nuclear submarine was found on board a commuter train.
Al-Qaeda Documents Could Have Been Found By A Frenchman, Say MPs
TOP-secret documents left on a Surrey commuter train could have been picked up by anyone, even a Frenchman, MPs said last night.
Taliban In Retreat From Nancy Boy Actors
TALIBAN forces in southern Afghanistan were in retreat last night after a fresh offensive by Britain's nancy boy actors.
Terrorists Can Hold Their Breath For 41 Days, Claims Brown
GORDON Brown has quashed a backbench rebellion over the detention of terror suspects after revealing that terrorists can hold their breath for exactly 41 days.
Europeans Have Appalling Taste In Music, Say Experts
PEOPLE from continental Europe have the most dreadful taste in music, experts said last night.
MI5 Agents Demand Pay Increase
BRITAIN'S spies are demanding a 25% pay increase to prevent their wives having to work as whores.
Majority Of Iraqis Expect To Still Be Alive By Lunchtime
THE number of Iraqis expecting to still be alive by lunchtime has risen to an all-time high, an upbeat new survey shows.
RAF To Bomb Peterborough Back To Stone Age
PETERBOROUGH was today bracing itself for wave after wave of devastating raids by low-flying Tornado fighter-bombers.
Hitler's Astrologer Forecast Good News On Part-Time Job
HITLER'S astrologer told the Nazi leader to expect good news about a part-time job or an unexpected cash gift from a family member, according to files just released by the National Archive.
Unexploded Plastic Bag Found In Town Centre
POLICE last night cordoned off an unexploded plastic bag in the centre of Norwich, as shoppers fled for their lives.
Center Parcs Exposed As Terrorist Training Camps
THEY are portrayed as a haven for families, but beneath the idyllic, tree-lined surface, Center Parcs are teeming with paint-balling gangs of would-be terrorists, it was claimed yesterday.