The Purge Begins

THE Prime Minister last night began the elimination of his enemies as he pledged to cleanse Britain of the virus of dissent.

Bent Cucumber Kills Five

FIVE people were killed by a bent cucumber last night just hours after the European Union scrapped its controversial regulations on twisted fruit.

Public Can't Wait To Be Truncheoned Across The Jaw, Says Smith

MOST British people are looking forward to having a policeman stand on their windpipe, the home secretary said yesterday.

Insane Clerics To Use Conference Calls

FUNDAMENTALIST Muslim clerics last night vowed to preach their message of hate via conference calls.

Councils Invested £1bn In Tiny Volcano Surrounded By Fish

LOCAL authorities across the UK were yesterday stunned to discover that Iceland is nothing more than a volcano surrounded by two million haddock.

If Only We'd Had More Idiot Actresses, Says Mcguinness

THE IRA would have succeeded in driving the British from Ulster if it had recruited just one more dimwit actress, Sinn Féin's Martin McGuinness claimed last night.

Al Qaeda To Fire Fat Guy At Canary Wharf

THE only thing more dangerous to the UK than terrorism and obesity is a combination of the two, experts said last night.

Army Can't Fight 14 Wars At Once, Says Duke Of Wellington

London, 26th of June, 1814

HIS Grace the Duke of Wellington has implored Parliament to limit the active engagement of the British Army from the current obligation of 14 wars to a mere eight.

Nuclear Submarine Found On Train

THE government faced fresh embarrassment last night after a Vanguard class nuclear submarine was found on board a commuter train.

Al-Qaeda Documents Could Have Been Found By A Frenchman, Say MPs

TOP-secret documents left on a Surrey commuter train could have been picked up by anyone, even a Frenchman, MPs said last night.

Taliban In Retreat From Nancy Boy Actors

TALIBAN forces in southern Afghanistan were in retreat last night after a fresh offensive by Britain's nancy boy actors.

Terrorists Can Hold Their Breath For 41 Days, Claims Brown

GORDON Brown has quashed a backbench rebellion over the detention of terror suspects after revealing that terrorists can hold their breath for exactly 41 days.