BRITAIN'S security services have implanted a chip in every iPod and now have detailed records of everyone's taste in music, MI5 agents told Radio 1 last night.
SQUADS of bikini-clad women are to be positioned outside airports in a bid to deter fanatical Islamic terrorists.
METROPOLITAN Police Commissioner Sir Ian Blair has refused to resign despite setting fire to a tramp in central London.
A GROUP of senior Islamic clerics has written to Pope Benedict XVI calling for the world's two biggest faiths to find common cause over their obsessive hatred of gay people.
PRINCE William is to spend three years asking junior members of the armed forces what it is they do.
FOREIGN secretary David Miliband has revealed how he jumped on top of Tony Blair in a desperate bid to stop the invasion of Iraq.
BRITISH troops returning from combat in Iraq and Afghanistan are to receive a free turnip, the government has announced.
KID Nation, the US reality TV show, has formed an army and declared war on Disneyland.
THE rest of the world could soon be embroiled in a war with Iran, the French foreign minister has warned.
DRINKS manufacturers will start lobbing cans of lager over school gates if alcohol adverts are banned before the 9pm watershed, the Daily Mash has learned.
BAA has unveiled a radical plan to improve the efficiency of Britain's major airports by firing all of its staff.
THE Duchess of Cornwall has offered to cuddle an AIDS baby in public if it will prevent her being dragged through the streets by a blood-thirsty mob.