THERESA May has assured Britain that she is absolutely, definitely not a pacifist.
A GOOD solid war would do away with many of the ills of modern society, according to an 55-year-old office manager who weighs 18 stone.
THE Earth has confirmed that it always saw itself going out in an argument about penis size between two idiots with f**ked-up hair.
ANYONE fleeing Syria because of US airstrikes is not a refugee but a terrorist, the US has confirmed.
A LISTENING device has been discovered hidden inside a prawn at a Spanish restaurant.
EXPERTS who stressed the historic link between populism and the threat of war have told everyone to go fuck themselves.
DEFINING what Brexit actually means will only strengthen the forces of The Hun, Theresa May has warned.
TRIDENT is useless apart from making the Labour party look like pacifist weirdoes, one of Britain’s top generals has warned.
SIR John Chilcot has confirmed everything that absolutely everybody already knew the entire time.
TONY Blair secretly wants to be tried for war crimes so everyone will look at him again.
BRITAIN cannot wait to read the Chilcot Report to find out if the Iraq war was an abject disaster or totally brilliant.
LEGO characters are arming themselves in preparation for wiping all Playmobil figures from the face of the earth.